Matt… Mikey Day
Kelsey… Selena Gomez
[Starts with show intro]Female voice: Netflix viewers love “Old Enough”, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we’re remaking it here. But since Americans don’t send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did. Here’s a sneak peek of “Old Eough! Long Term Boyfriends!”
[cut to Matt and Kelsey’s apartment. Matt is playing video game.] Matt and Kelsey live in New York City. They have been dating for three years. And now that he’s 34, Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an errand all by himself.Kelsey: Matt, I’m gonna need you to go out and get a couple of things from me, okay?
Matt: [confused] Are you gonna come?
Kelsey: No, no, no. This is something you have to do all by yourself. Okay?
Female voice: Matt’s nervous. But with Kelsey’s help, Matt is ready for his big errand. [Kelsey gets Matt ready like a toddler. With a day bag, water bottle, stop sign flag and more.]
Matt have to walk four blocks to Sephora, which he thinks is called Sephoria, like the HBO show Euphoria, and buy Smashbox, eye pencil and night mist. Then he’ll need to get two shallots at the market. Here he goes. He’s only 34.
[cut to Matt going into the streets]Wow, so brave.
[There’s a poster of Ana de Armas at the bust stop. Matt is looking at the poster.]Don’t get distracted by Ana de Armas, Matt. And he made it to Sephora. But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed. He’s never been here without Kelsey before. [Matt starts crying] Oh no. Matt, don’t cry. Ask for help like a big boy.
Heidi: Hi.
Matt: Do you know where the makeup is?
Heidi: Oh, this is all makeup in here, sweetie. Do you know what you’re looking for?
Female voice: Remember Matt, Kelsey wants to Smashbox, night mist, eye pencil.
Matt: Smash mouth Night wing.
[Matt starts crying]Heidi: It’s okay. Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Female voice: Back at home, Kelsey hopes Matt is okay by himself.
Kelsey: Matt is so great at doing things he likes. Like, DraftKings or his adult Legos. But getting something for me without me being there is a lot for him to handle. Especially at his age. I might have a bottle a glass of wine. It’s 10 AM, but it’s fine. You can cut that out, right?
Female voice: At Sephora, Matt makes his purchase. Hurray! And after stopping to buy a bacon, egg and cheese, even though he ate lunch an hour ago, Matt’s on his way to the market. But what’s this? Another boy on an errand? [Kenan is on his errand shopping]
Matt: Hi, I’m 34.
Kenan: I’m 38 and a half.
Matt: Are you on an errand for your girlfriend?
Kenan: Yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a cream that costs $80.
Matt: Are shallots onions?
Kenan: Yeah. Bye.
Matt: Bye.
Female voice: Keep going, Matt. You’re almost there. He made it. Kelsey wanted two shallots. But she buys two five pound bags of onions. Kelsey awaits his return. Hurry up, Matt. You’re almost there.
[the onions fall out of the bag]Matt: Son of a—
[cut to Selena opens the door]Female voice: And he’s done it.
Kelsey: You did it! Give me a big hug. I am really proud of him. That said, I asked him to get an eyeliner pencil and two shallots and he brought home 10 pounds of onions and a blush palette for African American woman. So, I should just break up. It’s just not this. It’s everything. We’re basically roommates. Watch, baby, do you want to have sex right now?
Matt: Uh-huh, it’s like, light outside.
Kelsey: Oh, silly me.