Old Home Movies

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Mother: All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean. Please nobody go in there and mess it up.

Daughter and Son: Yes, mom.

Mother: Now What are y’all watching?

Daughter: Some of dad’s old home movies.

Son: Wait, what’s going on?

[The video is of their dad recording himself addressing them]

Father: Hey, kids. It’s me daddy. If you’re watching this video, it means I’m already dead.

Daughter: Where’s dad?

Mother: He’s upstairs on the toilet. Where did you find this tape?

Father: I hid this tape in a box labeled big fish that I call so your mama wouldn’t watch it. There’s so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don’t know.

Daughter: Maybe we should turn this off.

Mother: No, no, no. I want to hear this.

Father: Now, by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke.

Mother: Broke? What the hell happened to our savings?

Father: I was too embarrassed to say anything. No man wants to have to tell his family, I blew my whole retirement on JB smoothes new sports betting app.

Son: Already? I just downloaded that for him last week.

Mother: [calling his husband] Walter get down here.

Daughter: No mom, we can’t let daddy know we saw this.

Father: And don’t worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. All you got to do is pay for it.

Daughter: Why would daddy make this video? Is he sick?

Father: Ain’t no telling what finally took me out. Could have been Rona, could have been because I drink a glass of water since 2003, could have been JB Smoove coming to collect.

[flushing sound]

Son: That was the toilet.

Daughter: Dad must be coming down. Let’s turn this off.

Mother: That was only his first flush. We still got about Daughter0 minutes.

Father: Let’s see what else. What else. Also I got a secret daughter.

Mother: A secret daughter?

Daughter: Oh my god.

Father: It’s not how you think. I would never cheat on your mother raw. The truth is I was a sperm donor back in the day. But I never would have done that dad I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies.

Son: What did he think they were gonna use it for?

Father: And to my only son, Walter Jr., I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions.

Daughter: Ew!

Son: What? I don’t have that.

Father: Now, you may not have it right now, but you definitely will. Because you are my son. That’s why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it so other’s won’t know what it is. It might not get you all the way there but trust me, it gets you closer.

Son: Can you fast forward past this point?

Father: Look, maybe I wasn’t the best dad or the best husband, but I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen. It’s called Dallas City Bouncers.

Daughter: City Bouncers?

Mother: Oh God not this stupid movie.

Father: Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance. Camera reveals detective Rico Trumaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. What was his name?

Son: Jamie Foxx?

Father: You know, the main brother that play Ray.

Daughter: Jamie Foxx.

Father: He was on the Jamie Foxx show. He was the man.

Daughter and Son: Jamie Foxx.

Mother: You know, I can’t wait this man. Just fast forward past this movie idea.

Father: With the money from the DVD sales, you should be able to pay back JB Smoove once and for all.

[shower sound]

Daughter: I think that’s the shower.

Mother: So we got more time. Hit play.

Father: As I was saying, I want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me. Baby when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco. And I was just some struggling backup singer for the commodores. I just want to tell you, I was never a backup singer for the commodore.

Mother: I can’t believe your father lied to me.

Son: I can’t believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.

Father: Also baby, I have something that’s very valuable. It’s buried in a top secret location.

Mother: What is it?

Father: But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers II, Rico’s Revenge.

Mother: Oh lord, just fast forward.

Father: It’s gonna be starring– What’s his name? He sings r&b too. You know who I’m talking about.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Old Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Movie theaters in many parts of the country have been unable to operate fully since March. Here to comment is teem movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey at the Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks shy.] [cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey. It’s good to see you. It has been a while.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, Michael Che missed me. Creepy.

Michael Che: Alright, Bailey. So, since most theaters are closed, what have you been watching?

Bailey Gismert: Well, since I can’t watch news, my dad’s been making me watch super old movies.

Michael Che: That’s kind of awesome. What did you watch? “Casablanca”, “Citizen Kane”?

Bailey Gismert: Um, try like, “Forrest Gump”.

Michael Che: That’s not that old.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, so, we like, watched “Forrest Gump” and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that anymore. Like, Bubba, Jenny and Forrest hook up? That’s a gray area, Michael. Also, did you know Tom Hanks used to have a problem? I’ve only ever seen him as David S. Pumpkins, but seeing him when he was young, like, he has overcome a lot.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. That’s a character. Tom Hanks is just acting.

Bailey Gismert: What? You can’t do that anymore, Michael. Like, he’s doing the voice and everything. Like, they should have casted actual Forrest Gump, if you know what I mean, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s just move on. Did you watch any other movies?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. We saw all the 90’s best pictures. The next one was “American Beauty”, and you just can’t do that anymore, Michael.

Michael Che: Right. Because of Kevin Spacey.

Bailey Gismert: No. Like, plastic bags, Michael. They’re just watching it circle around and– It could strangle a duck, Michael.

Michael Che: Okay, got it. Did you watch any best pictures you liked?

Bailey Gismert: Yes. “The silence of the lambs” was cool. I wasn’t like, laugh out loud funny but there were really some funny moments for sure.

Michael Che: Really? What was your favorite part?

Bailey Gismert: I guess like, Buffalo Bill the [mumbling]

Michael Che: Buffalo Bill the serial killer? Do you like him, Bailey?

Bailey Gismert: Stop. Stop. I know you’re like, 45 , but shut up.

Michael Che: I’m not.

Bailey Gismert: I don’t like Buffalo Bill. Yeah. So, he’s a dog dad and his dancing is fire, but I don’t like him.

Michael Che: Well, good. Because he’s a serial killer.

Bailey Gismert: In your opinion. Just like, don’t tell me I like him because Buffalo Bill loves the chase.

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not. Stop! Urgh! Oh my god. Stop. I’m just like, running on fumes. I know around here it’s an election year and the nation is watching or whatever. But you’re never in sketches. So, you barely work. But I’m like, overwhelmed. I nailed my choir solo. So now, there’s a target on my back. I had to sell my mom’s masks. And top of all that, next week I have to drink a bunch of milk.

Michael Che: Why do you have to do that?

Bailey Gismert: I’m a lady Santa. It’s 2020, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, Bailey, I’m glad you’re still doing what you’re doing.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. If you’re as hungry for my ass as Michael, make sure you smash that subscribe button below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t online.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, I know. I can’t even find SNL on Netflix. You know that’s bad, right?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.