Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”
And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.
Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.
Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.
Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.
Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.
Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.
Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great. New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.
Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.
Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.