Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]
Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. He jus asked his wife [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet where he calls his wife “Melanie.”] Melanie. And for those of us following this investigation, it’s been an exhausting year. It actually ages a person. I mean, here’s a picture of me and Che now. [Cut to picture of Colin Jost and Michael Che] And here’s a picture of us from last year. [Cut to picture of Lucas and Eleven from Stranger Things.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
I think with Russian investigation, ultimately what you think about the investigation really depends on what you think of Trump. It’s sort of like, when you hear this. [Picture changes to “What do you hear? Yanny/Laurel.”] Yeah, like, some people hear Laurel while some idiots hear Yanny. Lot of Laurel fans. That’s sort of how it is with the Russian investigation. If you like Trump, this is kind of what you hear.[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]
Voiceover: It’s a witch hunt, that’s all it is. There was no collusion.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear.[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]
Voiceover: I’m getting away with it, bitches![Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying [cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.” [Cut to Michael Che] You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not everyday that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching [Picture changes to Rachel Dolezal] Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks. Okay. I’m for that.[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani.]
Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign which is hilarious. Coz Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he shot and then he finally gets locked up for it and says, “Yo, I think somebody snitching.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Shawn Hannity at left top corner.]
It was reported that president Trump talked to Shawn Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this but poor Shawn Hannity! Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of the cheese burger wrappers? Was that a flush? Also, Shawn Hannity is a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, “No, Mr. President, you hang up.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Bolton at right top corner.]
Michael Che: North Korea issued a statement condemning national security advisor John Bolton saying they do not hide their feeling of repugnance toward them. Which I can get because look at him. He looks like he still calls Jazz jungle music.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]
Trump promised protections for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meeting but warned if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Noble Peace Price stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “Dream a nightmare, take your pick.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Bill Gates at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with president Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, “And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?” For real, Trump asks this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So, you know, homie got HPV.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Homie? Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.