It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave] [Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves] [Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in] [Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Mueller Report Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 16

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

President Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with written video clip of the narrator]

Narrator: And now, Robert Mueller finishes his report, William Barr summarizes the report, and Donald Trump tweets his reaction to the summary.

[Cut to Robert Mueller on his desk reading his report]

Robert Mueller: Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.

[Cut to William Barr summarizing the report]

William Barr: Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.

[Cut to President Trump tweeting on his mobile phone in his office]

President Trump: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I am submitting these 380 pages—

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: I am writing almost four pages.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: I am reading zero pages. But Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But I have. And my conclusion is Trump’s clean as a whistle.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Free at last, free at last!

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidents involving the president’s team but we cannot prove a criminal connection.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: No collusion, no diggedy, no bad.

[Cut to President Trump blowing celebration horn] [Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of them very good people.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: The pardons are already in the mail.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: And I should remind everyone there’s still several ongoing investigations.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: One or two tiny investigations.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: And they’re investigations into democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me ad Puerto Rico. That’s right, I want my paper towels back, amigos.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Somebody with the Trump team might have met with Russians at some point.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Somebody distantly associated with Trump might have done something weird.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: ♪Somebody wants told me the world was go to roll me I am the sharpest tool in the shed. ♪

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: In conclusion it is my hope this report will be made public with a few [Cut to William Barr]

redaction.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Hello, redactions!

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: We’re going to block out everything except the words no and collusion.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Overall there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: But no concrete evidence.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump:  If you shoot at the devil, you best not miss.

[[Rudy Giuliani comes up and joins President Trump]

Rudy Giuliani: Did somebody say devil?

President Trump: Rudy, can you believe it, we got off Scott free.

Rudy Giuliani: I know, I know. I guess I was a legal genius the whole time. And all of my mid games worked. If you want to know what my mind games were, you have to ask the family of goblins who lives in my head and opens my eyes.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: After two long years out investigation with Russia interference in the election is finally over.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Y’all can turn off your Huff-Po Amber alerts. It’s time for the country to heal and most past this.

[Cut to President Trump and Rudi Giuliani]

President Trump: This is the only thing I will talk about for the next four years. Vengeance will be mine.

Rudy Giuliani: And I will take the firstborn child of every democrat unless they can guess that my name is Rumple Stiltson.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Sincerely, Robert S. Mueller.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Your’s truly, the guy who’s been here a month, William Barr.

[Cut to President Trump]

President Trump: Sincerely, president invincible #tenmoreyears, #fdrbutwithlegs.

[Cut to Rudi Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Yours in eternal darkness, Rudy Giuliani. I was booed at a Yankee’s game.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: P.S. can’t wait to see what the southern district of New York has in store for Trump.

[Everyone joins Robert Mueller]

President Trump: What now?

Everyone: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.