Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffatt

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.

Colin Jost: I know.

Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric: I drove the golf car!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.

Eric: Ta.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.

Eric: I got a sunburn.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.

Eric: It doesn’t fit.

Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.

Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.

Eric: I’m hungry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.

[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]

Eric: Alright!

[Eric eats them]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.

Eric: I’m thirsty.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.

Eric: Sorry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!

Eric: What did I do?

Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.

Colin Jost: He figured it out.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.

Eric: And dad!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?

Eric: Yes, he does.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.

Eric: I’m tired.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?

Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?

Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.

Eric: Aww!

Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.

Eric: And I’m Eric!

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer] [Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus] [Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.] [Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.] [Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.] [Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.] [Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.] [Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right] [Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing] [Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper] [Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper] [Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused] [Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd] [They start fighting]

Weekend Update Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Benefiting from Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.

Eric: Ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?

Eric: I don’t get it!

Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?

Eric: All by myself.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.

Eric: And I had to go.

Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.

Eric: I still lay down.

Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.

Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.

Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—

Eric: Hermione—

Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.

Eric: –Granger.

Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—

Eric: A woman!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—

Eric: lack.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—

Eric: White!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.

Eric: I disappeared!

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave] [Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves] [Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in] [Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!