Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]
Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]
Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.