Weekend Update on Democrats’ Election Victories

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

Chris Redd

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set.]

Micahel Che: Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states. So, it is a small victory for liberals, but a victory nonetheless. Kind of like when you get an Uber and the driver’s a white dude and you are like, “Oh, that’s nice.” You know it’s racist but you don’t know on which side.

[Picture changes to Danica Rome]

Also on Tuesday, Danica Rome became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s house of delegates, defeating Bob Marshal. That’s right. She defeated Bob Marshal who called himself the state’s chief homophobe. And in fact, he’s so homophobic that he refused to get within eight points of her.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Mike Pence, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a vice president’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney routinely calling them for advice. “Well, that sounds like a stupid club,” said Al Gorde to no one. [Picture changes to Al Gorde.] [Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Florida map at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A man in Florida was surprised when his —

[Chris Redd enters]

Chris Redd: Sorry, Michael. Sorry to interrupt, Michael Tiffany had a request. [singing] She’s your queen to be.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in. She’s wearing the same dress she was wearing during her monologue.]

Tiffany Haddish: I told y’all I was gonna wear this dress again. [Tiffany Haddish jumps around and walks away]

Micahel Che: There you have it.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Shawn Combs at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a nice dress.

Micahel Che: Shawn Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love.’ As in, “Damn, this brother love attention.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people playing frisbee at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The state of Vermont has officially recognized ultimate frisbee as a high school varsity sport, Dad?

Micahel Che: That was good.

[Picture changes to Hidden Valley 5 liter keg]

Colin Jost: Hidden Valley is now selling 5 liter keg filled with ranch dressing. Though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a sheep at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A new study finds that the sheep have the ability to recognizes faces. So, remember farmers, always hit it from the back.

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson’s parole– any catch ups to it? OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break. I mean, you could drink a lot too if your ex-wive was murdered.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a piece of land at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2,000 year old gym which featured a work out room, a racetrack and based on my experience in gyms, the ramains of an old man blow drying his testicles.

Michael Che: Where do you workout, man?

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.