Weekend Update- Supreme Court Dismisses Election Fraud Cases

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Micahel Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Guys, I got to be honest. I’m beginning to think that Donald Trump didn’t win this election. This week the supreme court dismissed two different Trump law suits to overturn the election results. They were the first rulings by the supreme court that were just the eye-roll emoji. Don’t worry, Trump isn’t throwing in the towel because he has been a fighter his whole life. At least that’s what it looks like on his brain scans. [Picture changes to a brain scan with many injuries.] I just love how the media telling us, “Okay, this time it’s over.” Nothing is ever over as long as Donald Trump can make money off it. Even when he dies, his tombstone is just going to have his Venmo info. Also, he’s a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for $5. Isn’t that just sad? It’s like saying “For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help a desperate old man pretend he’s still president.”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a gavel and a map of Texas at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Yes, that’s sweet. The Texas lawsuit asked the supreme court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patience to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a online news that says “Biden promises 100 million shots in 100 days” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising 100 million shots in 100 days, which is also his botox routine. Biden probably would have gotten those doses to us sooner, but Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have too much vaccine?” What the hell are you priority? You don’t have a money for life saving vaccines but you can start up a space army? It’s like the captain of the Titanic while it’s going down saying, “You guys want to start a space army?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of William Barr at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Insiders are saying that Attorney General and all grown up Eric Cartman [from South Park] , William Barr is considering resigning after a contentious meeting with president Trump because if there’s one thing Bill Barr won’t stand for, it’s more than a few minutes at a time.

Weekend Update- Trump Loses Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Yesterday, Trump’s lawyer has opened another door on their advent calendar of losing as they had election lawsuits tossed in six different states proving once again that this administration will never stop fighting … except the coronavirus. In a psychotic onlyfans video this week, Trump said that this was a rigged election at the highest level. Dude, you’re the highest level. You are in charge when the election happened. And hey, look, I’ll believe any conspiracy you want as long as in 44 days, you leave. Okay? I will believe anything. That there were suitcases of hidden ballots. I’ll believe that the votes were counted illegally in Spain. Or this is a real theory, that North Koreans in ships dropped off ballots in Maine. Because you know, it’s easier for North Koreans to get to the east coast. Whatever you want us to believe, sir, I’m in. I see you. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. But you is need to go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC has recommended that the first people in the US to receive covid vaccines should be healthcare workers and residential nursing homes. While the first people to actually receive it will be guests at Colin and Scarlett’s holiday yacht party. I got mixed feelings on this vaccine. On one hand, I’m black. Naturally, I don’t really trust it. But on the other hand, I’m on a white TV show. So, I might actually get the real one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have all volunteered to film themselves getting shot of the covid vaccine. And to reach their target demos, Obama’s will air on MSNBC, Bush’s on Fox News and Clinton’s on Brazzers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what that is. It was reported that president Trump has been discussing the possibility of issuing a pre-emptive pardon for Jared Kushner. His price? One night with Kushner’s wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sources also say that Trump is considering giving a pre-emptive part into Rudy Giuliani, I assume for Rudy’s crime of murdering his own legacy. Giuliani as seen here emerging from the vat of chemicals he fell in to while fighting Batman, continued to strengthened his eventual sanity defense when he went to Michigan so push his voter fraud conspiracy theories. Yes, at one point in the hearing, Giuliani audibly farted. Which was somehow a high point in terms of dignity. if you haven’t seen it, have a listen.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani speaking in the court]

Rudy Giuliani: The answer that I gave you is they didn’t bother to interview a single [fart] witness. Just like you.\

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You gotta respect that he just kept going. Just a total pro. But you know that your election fraud theories are pretty dumb when even your butt is like, “Objection!”

Weekend Update- Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

[Rudy Giuliani slides in] [cheers and applause]

Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.

Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.

Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.

Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.

Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.

Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?

Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?

Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?

[he gets hit by a cabbage]

Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.

Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?

Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.

Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.

Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Wins 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but Joe Biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States. Yes, and this is what happen when people in New York heard that Donald Trump was defeated.

[cut to video clips of people in New York City celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And this is Trump’s home town. Can you imagine you get fired from your job, you go back home and everyone in your own house is like, “Boo. You suck.” But you know what they say. “Only in New York.” What’s that? Oh, it wasn’t only in New York? Oh.

[cut to video clips people in different US cities celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to London and Paris celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god! That’s real. Do you know how bad you have to be for Paris to ring church bells when you lose? They didn’t even do that for the real Hunchback’s funeral. The whole world is celebrating like World War II just ended. And I know this isn’t really the same as defeating the Nazis but it did end with a fascist leader hiding in a bunker.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump golfing underground.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White HOuse kicking and screaming. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey and takes a sip] Good. You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sort of faded away. I mean the problem’s is still there but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof. They were still in prison, but for one day, everything just felt okay? That’s how I feel now. And I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war and Colin, you don’t know this but me and my friends were going to kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything. It was a good plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Well, would I go in the fridge?

Michael Che: The box.

Colin Jost: By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality than you do. Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts alleging voter fraud. I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million? He blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well, this time he’s going to lose by 5 million votes which by his own logic means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants and they all voted for Biden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pro-Trump demonstration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, there’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas and I just want the white republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy that you want, but he’s still wold white guy. Is it that different? You wanted Gordita crunch and  you got a Chalupa, big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden is going to do? Free the slaves again? Hey, Colin, did you know my tie was a clip-on? I’ve been wanting to say that all year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The aftermath now for Trump’s campaign is really funny to me because normally when you lose a campaign, you wonder what went wrong. Was my messaging on the economy off? But for Trump, it’s like, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have openly taunted the dead hero of the state I needed to win.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone Erie, Pennsylvania and said this of Erie, Pennsylvania.”

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Before the plague came in, I had it made. I wasn’t coming to Erie. I mean, I have to be honest. There was no way I was coming. I didn’t have to.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And personally, I also wouldn’t have sprayed my own supporters with covid at my rallies. But hey, that’s just me. The most important thing about Donald Trump losing this election is that pretty soon, we will never have to listen to Donald Trump again. We may want to listen sometimes for entertainment, just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car. But we don’t have to. Before Trump was president, no one ever cared what he said. No one was ever like, “I wonder what the least successful real estate developer in New York thinks about this?” And three months, Trump will just be another guy yelling conspiracy theories in the background. And then we can treat him like this reporter did today with a crazy dude behind him.

[Cut to a video clip of a reporter during live telecast. There is a guy behind him and he is talking to him.]

Reporter: How you doing, pal?

Guy: How are you doing, man? Is this a real news or fake news?

Reporter: Fuck off!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.] [Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.] Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Election Ad

Kenan: Everyone knows this could be the most important election in our nation’s history.

Melissa: And the two choices couldn’t be more different.

Bowen: Do we want four more years of Donald Trump?

Ego: Or a fresh start with Joe Biden?

Punkie: Can we survive four more years of scandal, name calling and racial division?

Alex: Or do we want a leader who unites the country?

Pete: I wanna vote for Biden because he’s better, smarter, better and better. But I’m worried.

Beck: I’m worried too.

Bowen: Because if Donald Trump isn’t our president…

Ego: Then what are we gonna talk about?

Kenan: Like, what will our conversations even be?

Pete: Because the only thing I talked about for four years is Donald Trump.

Bowen: Every single day I tell someone, “Can you believe what Trump just said?”

Melissa: My entire personality is hating Donald Trump. If he’s gone, what am I supposed to do? Focus on my kids again? No, thanks.

Andrew: I argue with my dad everyday about Trump. Before this, we hadn’t spoken in years.

Punkie: I used to watch civil rights videos and wonder what it would be like to live in those times. Now, thanks to Trump, I get it.

Alex: What does the news even going to be about now?

Kenan: I am really worried for Rachel Maddow. What is she even going to talk about?

Pete: And what about Tweets? What am I going to send to my friends and be like, “This is the crazies thing I’ve ever seen?” And then one out of every 10, I’d be like, “This is legit funny. He is genuinely hilarious.”

Alex: Sure, he is historically bad for the country, but he gave us so much.

Beck: Injecting bleach in our blood.

Ego: Openly calling African nations [bleep] holes.

Melissa: “Kids in cages” wasn’t even a phrase before Trump.

Kenan: He changed the game.

Pete: He called the Attorney General he appointed ‘mentally retarded’. That’s some next level [bleep].

Kenan: I mean he started with an impression of disabled reported. That was the starting point. Best case scenario, Biden gets there at about like, year three.

Ego: That’s why on November 3rd, I’ll be worried.

Andrew: About the election, sure.

Melissa: The future of democracy or whatever.

Beck: But I’ll really be worried about my favorite villain disappearing.

Pete: Like, if they replaced the joker with Batman’s butler Alfred. Sure, Gotham would be more stable, but I’d rather watch the Joker blow up a hospital.

Kenan: And then I remembered that even if he loses, Trump isn’t going away.

Alex: Yeah. If anything, he’s going to get more vocal.

Ego: And angrier.

Pete: And crazier.

Kenan: And with all his crimes, there’s bound to be a trial at some point. And maybe Trump will represent himself in court. Okay, I gotta stop getting my hopes up.

Beck: And then who knows, maybe Donald and Ivanka will run together in 2024.

Ego: [interrupting] Uh-uh, what is wrong with you?

Andrew: Bro?

Beck: What? I was just throwing it out there.

Kenan: Now it’s going to happen and I’m going to hate you for it.

Pete: It would be hilarious though.

Male voice: Paid for by Trump Addicts of America. You know he’s bad for you but it’s hard to imagine life without him.

Weekend Update- Eric, Donald Jr. and Tiffany Trump on the 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?

Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.

Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?

Eric: [smiling] No.

Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.

Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.

Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–

Eric: Terrified.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–

Eric: [interrupting] White trash.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.

Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?

Eric: Dad said it was fine.

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.

Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?

[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.

Eric: I wasn’t.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!

Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?

[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]

Tiffany: Whoo!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–

Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.

Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.

Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.

Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.

Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.

Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.

Eric: Sorry.

Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.

Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?

Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.

Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–

Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.

Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–

Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes  big or–

Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.

Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.

Weekend Update on Democrats’ Election Victories

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

Chris Redd

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set.]

Micahel Che: Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states. So, it is a small victory for liberals, but a victory nonetheless. Kind of like when you get an Uber and the driver’s a white dude and you are like, “Oh, that’s nice.” You know it’s racist but you don’t know on which side.

[Picture changes to Danica Rome]

Also on Tuesday, Danica Rome became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s house of delegates, defeating Bob Marshal. That’s right. She defeated Bob Marshal who called himself the state’s chief homophobe. And in fact, he’s so homophobic that he refused to get within eight points of her.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Mike Pence, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a vice president’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney routinely calling them for advice. “Well, that sounds like a stupid club,” said Al Gorde to no one. [Picture changes to Al Gorde.] [Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Florida map at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A man in Florida was surprised when his —

[Chris Redd enters]

Chris Redd: Sorry, Michael. Sorry to interrupt, Michael Tiffany had a request. [singing] She’s your queen to be.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in. She’s wearing the same dress she was wearing during her monologue.]

Tiffany Haddish: I told y’all I was gonna wear this dress again. [Tiffany Haddish jumps around and walks away]

Micahel Che: There you have it.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Shawn Combs at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a nice dress.

Micahel Che: Shawn Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love.’ As in, “Damn, this brother love attention.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people playing frisbee at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The state of Vermont has officially recognized ultimate frisbee as a high school varsity sport, Dad?

Micahel Che: That was good.

[Picture changes to Hidden Valley 5 liter keg]

Colin Jost: Hidden Valley is now selling 5 liter keg filled with ranch dressing. Though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a sheep at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A new study finds that the sheep have the ability to recognizes faces. So, remember farmers, always hit it from the back.

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson’s parole– any catch ups to it? OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break. I mean, you could drink a lot too if your ex-wive was murdered.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a piece of land at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2,000 year old gym which featured a work out room, a racetrack and based on my experience in gyms, the ramains of an old man blow drying his testicles.

Michael Che: Where do you workout, man?

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.