Tag: Biden

Weekend Update Trump Claims Police Cried at His Arrest Biden Downplays Pentagon Documents Leak

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]

The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]

Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: People were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]

Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.

[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]

Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.

Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”

Weekend Update- Kanye West Praises Hitler, Biden Averts Rail Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Alex Jones and Kanye West at left top corner.]

You guys are not gonna believe this. But Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week. And it didn’t go great. Kanye West made anti semitic jokes and said “I like Hitler,” which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago. At this point, I don’t think Kanye is off his meds so much as he’s immune to them. We’re basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. We thought he fade away but now we realize we may have to live with a brain fog of long haul Kanye. What I don’t understand about this Kanye stuff is if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept the deal that averts a strike but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full blown CTE?

[picture changes to the capitol building]

The Senate passed the Respect for Marriage Act which solidifies federal protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady who’s gonna protect me from my mother?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Georgia Senate run off set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin. President Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet.

[picture changes to Donald Trump holding a puppet]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Iowa state at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s growing support to move the first democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? You know, start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gator lands as he battles for the state’s key demographic ‘grandmas under 30’. Right? You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Federal jury has found Oathkeepers leader Stewart Rhodes guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal the verdict because he feels the trial like his vision was very one sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin’s health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. Questions like “Is there a video?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an iPhone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An apple factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. The workers main demand is more playtime. I’m shocked too, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she may be had an easier time finding a good lawyer.

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in] [cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update President Biden Works to Prevent RussiaUkraine War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Stock market is plummeting and there’s a threat of a land war in Europe. So, it looks like democrats were right. Joe Biden is the next FDR. President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine and said a video call with European allies when quote “Very, very, very well.” Okay, the third “very” worries me. You only say that when you’re trying to cover up something like, if Matt Gaetz said “That girl was very, very, very over Colin Jost8.”

Ukrainian officials are saying the repeated warnings of invasion are just causing panic and that panic is the sister of failure. Which is exactly what Lorne said to get us to do this show during a blizzard. Also, am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was the sister of failure. [Picture changes to Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stephen Briar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Stephen Briar announced that he will retire in June. “We thank Justice Breyer for years of upholding the rights of every American”, said liberals who have been tweeting, “Retire bitch,” for the last year. I sympathize with Briar because I get those same tweets every Saturday night around this time.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden promised to nominate the first black woman to the Supreme Court, but I hope it’s not. I hope it’s not because he wants to sniff with new type of hair. That’s why I get those tweets.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell showing his thumbs up and smiling.]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here learning that Betty White has died, warned President Biden not to outsource his choice for the Supreme Court to the quote “Radical left”. Coincidentally, a radical left is also what McConnell takes to purposely run over stray dogs.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Glenn Younkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virginia Governor Glenn Younkin has set up a hotline for parents to report schools they believe are teaching critical race theory. Damn, you know you’re racist when you call the cops about a black character in a book. “Yeah, hi, I’d like to report a suspicious black man rafting with a young white hostage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden on Friday traveled to Pittsburgh and promised to rebuild the collapse bridge using funds from his infrastructure bill. While Republicans build a bridge to just lift itself up by its bootstraps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chart showing economic growth at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that last year the US economy grew at its fastest rates since Ronald Reagan was President. Biden has even started using Reagan’s old catchphrase, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to Melania Trump]

Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000. But Melania is no stranger to finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Biden Spider-Man Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with President Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

Male voice: And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans. As I keep saying every chance I get, we’re in the middle of a cold, dark winter. This winter is so dark Republicans don’t think you should vote. Well, this virus has disrupted our lives, it’s canceled holidays, weddings, quinceaneras, gender reveal parties, wildfires that started as gender reveal parties, whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic. I know you’re tired of getting emails from your kids’ school late at night saying, “Okay, come in tomorrow. We’re feeling lucky.” I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, “That’s it, I’m dead.” America, I’m here to tell you. There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away. Stop seeing Spider Man. Just stop seeing Spider-Man. Think about it. When does Spider-Man man come out? December 17. When did every single person get Omachron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider Man. That’s really all I have to say. I yield the remainder of my time for questions. Yes.

Ego: Yes, I’m sorry. Did you really just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I did. Yes. Next question.

Bowen: So, you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?

Joe Bien: I didn’t say don’t go to the movies. I said stop seeing Spider Man. See anything else? I saw the first half hour of “House a Gucci.” That’s more than enough movie for anyone.

Heidi: Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Joe Biden: Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID. Stop seeing Spider Man.

Ego: Have you seen Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I couldn’t get tickets. And I’m on a Stub’s A list. Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row. What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see “Encanto” alone while I sit two inches from the screen like this? Stop seeing Spider-Man.

Bowen: Alright, but what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Joe Biden: Oh, they’ve touched a Spider-Man. This got 98% on Au Gratin Potatoes.

Heidi: He meant testing for COVID.

Joe Biden: You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your head. Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see Spider-Man? If so, then you have COVID.

Chris: Alright, well then what about the other problems facing America? Like, inflation?

Joe Biden: Spider Man.

Bowen: Okay, then why can’t Democrats pass the Voting Rights bill?

Joe Biden: You think people can focus on voting rights? When Spider Man’s Aunt May is a freaking smoke show?

Ego: Mr. President, isn’t the real reason you can’t pass the Voting Rights Act because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

Joe Biden: It’s true. Spider-Man has his villains. I have Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. The only difference is when a Spider-Man’s villain saw Kyrsten Sinema, they’d be like, “Hey, honey, that outfits a little much.”

Heidi: And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border pushing us to the brink of World War III?

Joe Biden: I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don’t know what is. Okay, I have time for one more question. Yes. The nerd.

Andrew: Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing Spider-Man.

Joe Biden: It’s a general idea. Yes.

Andrew: But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of you that wants people to see Spider-Man?

Joe Biden: Finally a good question. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them’s a Joe Biden that lost to Trump. That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called “T-birds, Tacos and Trains.” And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history. My approval ratings are sky high. I’m actually supported by my own party. And I understand the show euphoria.

Ego: I’m sorry. You’re now saying that we’re living in a Spider-Man style multiverse?

Joe Biden: Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is? I mean, seriously? Seriously. Come on! Such a wake up every morning to look at the news and think, “Oh, this can’t be right. This is all crazy.” People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse. To wear a mask in a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down. The take it off for the whole meal. Once you gotta go to the bathroom, he got to put it back on the bathroom. Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?

Heidi: Mr. President, are you okay?

Joe Biden: For the first time, hell yes. It’s like the webs have fallen from my eyes. We can finally see. You are ready.

[smoke appears beside Joe Biden. Then Pete walks out of the smoke.]

Pete: And the time has come. You are ready.

Bowen: Okay, who the hell is that?

Pete: I am Joe Biden from the real universe. The timeline you’re living in is about to collapse. You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Now it spiraled out of control and could explode in a minute.

Joe Biden: Am I the president in this real world?

Pete: Of course not. Did you really think you would lose four times and then finally when when you were 78?

Heidi: What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Pete: Everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is may be more fun for him. Now, hurry before the portal closes.

Joe Biden: I’ll come back for all of you I promise. Right, after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Pete: Dude, even in the real universe, that thing’s not passing.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Biden Passes Infrastructure Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

[Picture changes to Edward Durr]

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.