Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson
Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman
Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis
Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]
Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin Psaki.[Jin Psaki walks in]
Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?
Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?
Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.
Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.
Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?
Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.[Jin Psaki walks out]
Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?[Past Joe Biden walks in]
Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?
Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?
Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!
Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?
Past Joe Biden: Lucid?
Joe Biden: Yeah.
Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.
Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.
Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?
Joe Biden: Apparently both.
Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?
Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.
Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?
Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.
Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?
Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.
Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.
Joe Biden: Actually–
Past Joe Biden: What?
Joe Biden: Well, never mind.
Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.
Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.
Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.
Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.
Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?[Recent Joe Biden walks in]
Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.
Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?
Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.
Past Joe Biden: From when?
Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?
Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.
Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.
Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.
Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.[Recent Joe Biden walks out]
Joe Biden: Good looking guy.
Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?
Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.
Past Joe Biden: What?
Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.
Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…
Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.