Zerco… Kenan Thompson
Khal Drogo… Jason Momoa
Hodor… Beck Bennett
High Sparrow… Pete Davidson
Brienne of Tarth… Heidi Gardner
Joffrey… Kate McKinnon
Olenna Tyrell… Aidy Bryant[Intro playing]
Narrator: You’re watching Dothraki Public Access. Up next, Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo.[Cut to Zerco and Khal in a hut]
Zerco: Alright, welcome to Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo, where we talk to some of the hundreds of characters of Game of Thrones who have been killed off the show. I am Zerco, bloodwriter to the great Khal himself. Khal, how are you feeling tonight?
Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] Hmm.
Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Alright. So, Khal is not the biggest talker but he’s a cool dude when you get to know him. Do you know any fun plans for the weekend Khal?
Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] [Talking in Dothraki language, subtitle says “I will kill the men in iron suits and tear their stone houses”]
Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Cool. Co-co-co-co-cool. Very cool. Very chill. Hey, you mind closing your legs just a little bit there Khal? Ever heard of the term man spreading?[Khal takes his knife out and stabs Zerco twice]
You never know how fast they’ll kill off a character! [Zerco dies. But then, he stands again] And I’m back. Revived by a witch. All right. Let’s start the show and meet our first guest, our first ghost. He sacrificed his life to save Brandon and Mira. Pease welcome, Hodor![Cut to Hodor coming in and sits in the middle]
Khal Drogo: Who you?
Khal Drogo: Why?
Khal Drogo: What’d you do?
Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Okay, great combo. Thanks for stopping by, Hodor. Really glad that we got you two together. [Cut to everybody. Hodor walks towards the door] Hey, would you mind holding the door for our next guest?
Hodor: Hold the door? Hold the door! Hold the door! Hodor!
Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Yeah, thanks, Hodor.
Hodor: [Cut to Khal and Hodor] Oh, please, yeah, no trouble at all.
Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] All right. Our next guest is a religious Zealot who led the face of the Seven until he got exploded. Please welcome the high sparrow.
High Sparrow: [Cut to High Sparrow comes in and Hodor leaves] Can I just ask where I am?
Zerco: Well, you’re in the Dothraki world.
High Sparrow: [Cut to Zerco and High Sparrow] Oh, like horse heaven? So glad I gave up sex for 50 years.
Khal Drogo: [Cut to everybody] I sex when I want with ever I want. Many, many partners.
High Sparrow: And we both ended up in the same heaven! It almost makes you question religion.
Zerco: Well, hey, I mean you ran that whole team. You were almost like a king.
Khal Drogo: You think you like king? [Khal carries a container of molten gold and pours it on High Sparrow’s head]
High Sparrow: I didn’t mean to offend you.
Khal Drogo: Shout for king!
High Sparrow: You ruined my potato sack!
Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow. Okay. Well, I actually need to save a little bit of that molten gold to make a friendship bracelet, but no worries, I guess.
Brienne: [Cut to everybody. Brienne comes in with a sword in her hand] Is there a danger? Where are the stark children? Arya, Sansa, the cripple in the sled.
Zerco: Wait, Brienne of Tarth? Are you even dead? I mean, the show’s been out for so long, I’m honestly asking.
Brienne: I have sworn [Cut to Brienne and Khal] a blood oath to find and protect the Stark children wherever they be.
Khal Drogo: [Speaks in Dothraki language. Subtitle says, “If this man wants to fight I will give him what he wants”]
Brienne: Man? wow, you have a lot to learn about identity politics.
Khal Drogo: You’re right. Khal needs to learn from Khal’s mistakes or Khal never wins Oscar. Khal never holds Oscar.
Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow, what a teachable moment, yeah. Now a quick word from our sponsors.[Commercials start playing]
Narrator: Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo is brought to you by Little Beard Twisties. Want to keep your beard neat but still loose and crazy? Little Beard Twisties. And remember the red wedding? Well, that venue is now open for your wedding. What are the odds of it happening twice? We’ve cleaned up almost all of the blood and hired a new wedding planner. Dothraki Wardrobe provided by dead horses. When a horse dies, you wear it. And if you like elf on a shelf, ready for Khal On The Wall. He knows when you’ve been naughty and he’ll kill you.[Cut to Zerco and Khal]
Zerco: Okay, we are back. And Khal is just eating rib, which means it’s time for our final guest. He’s the worst and everyone’s glad he’s dead. Please welcome, King Joffrey![Joffrey walks in] [Cut to everybody]
Joffrey: Go ahead and boo me. I love it. You’re all just mad that you’re not me. But catch me outside! I said catch me outside!
Zerco: Man, you are just despised.
Joffrey: They think they cannot handle all of this. I feed off the haters.
Zerco: Alright, now, Joffrey, you were poisoned to death, correct?
Joffrey: Perhaps, whatever.
Zerco: Well, what if I told you that the woman who poisoned you is here tonight? Olenna Tyrell, get out here!
Olenna: Oh, I know you, you son of a bitch. [Olenna and Joffrey start fighting] I’m about to kill you again Justin Bieber!
Zerco: We got to break this up. We got to break this up. [Zerco stops their fight] [Cut to Zerco] Let’s take a break. When we come back, we will see the results of our big makeover. Here’s what Oberyn Martell looked like after the Mountain gouged out his eyes and crushed his skull. [Picture of Oberyn’s face when Mountain crushed his eyes in the Game of Thrones series] And here’s what he looks like now. [Oberyn comes in with sunglasses on. Disco music stars playing and Oberyn starts dancing] Right here on Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo![Cut to Kyle Mooney in his set]
Kyle Mooney: And, hey, stay tuned after the show for “Talking Dojo”, where we dissect everything that just happened in the Ghost Dojo.[Khal Drogo appears in Kyle Mooney’s set]
Khal Drogo: No more after shows! [Khal stabs Kyle with his knife] Best death ever!