Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]
Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]
Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.[Picture changes to Edward Durr]
Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]
Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.