Tag: 2

Weekend Update- Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy on Disney’s Hocus Pocus 2

Michael Che

Debbie Hole… Chloe Fineman

Stacy Bussy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This week of Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney’s reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. Here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacy Bussy.

Stacey: Hi, Michael Che.

Michael Che: So ladies, what’s so bad about Hocus Pocus?

Debbie: Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok?

Stacey: Oh, witches snacking on my kids. Not under my house.

Michael Che: It’s just a silly kids movie.

Stacey: Michael Che, we don’t need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. We don’t need to see Matt Mendler wearing big old tee.

Debbie: It’s satanic.

Stacey: Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash hell

Debbie: Um-hmm. Imagine that. Okay? I’m sorry. You just imagine that your home [yelling] with hell in it.

Stacey: Yeah. Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Che?

Debbie: I’m sorry. Is it Michael Che? Satan in your living room? Hard as a rock?

Michael Che: No, that’s not what I want, Debbie Hole. But don’t you think you’re missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween?

Stacey: Oh, there’s nothing fun about Halloween.

Michael Che: What about candy?

Debbie: Satanic.

Michael Che: What candy is satanic?

Stacey: Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. We’re feeding kids kids? Making a bunch of army hammers?

Debbie: Oh, and do not get me started on Skittles.

Michael Che: Okay, I won’t.

Stacey: Oh, you gotta start it. You gotta start it. Okay. Taste the Rainbow? Demonic. I’m gonna say this. Any vending machine with Skittles in it, that’s a glory hole for devil.

Debbie: Gushers? Ew.

Stacey: Everlasting Gobstopper? So suck till I’m dead? No.

Michael Che: Oh, so you guys are just crazy.

Debbie: I’m sorry. Crazy about family, church and laughter.

Stacey: Yes. You know what? I swear even talking about those make me nervous. Okay, you open your mouth long enough, a demon will sweep in it. [Debbie acts like she’s possessed] What did I say??

Michael Che: You alright?

Stacey: Dude, no. She got a demon in her. She probably caught it here in S-in-hell (SNL). I’m gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. We sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to god, Debbie, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building your throne, I’m leaving New York. Hey, Debbie, I’m gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to hell. Can you do that for me? Can you do that, Debbie K. Hole?

Debbie: Oh, and I’m back. That was a little fun, I’m not gonna lie. In conclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to Hocus Pocus, and we gotta go.

Stacey: Yeah.

Michael Che: Where are you going?

Stacey: We got tickets to wicket.

Michael Che: Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy, everyone.

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Home Alone 2

Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor

Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig

Harry… Kyle Mooney

Marv… Mikey Day

Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]

Kevin: Merry Christmas!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.

Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.

Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?

Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.

Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.

Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.

Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?

Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.

Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–

Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]

Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.

Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?

Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.

Pigeon lady: Goodnight.

Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.

Pigeon lady: Oh, really?

Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.

Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.

[The thieves find Kevin]

Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?

Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.

Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.

Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.

Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.

Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me!

[Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]

Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!

Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!

Kevin: [screaming] Ah!

Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?

Kevin: The big ones.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.

Kevin: Did you kill those guys?

Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.