Tag: Debbie

Weekend Update- Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy on Disney’s Hocus Pocus 2

Michael Che

Debbie Hole… Chloe Fineman

Stacy Bussy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This week of Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney’s reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. Here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacy Bussy.

Stacey: Hi, Michael Che.

Michael Che: So ladies, what’s so bad about Hocus Pocus?

Debbie: Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok?

Stacey: Oh, witches snacking on my kids. Not under my house.

Michael Che: It’s just a silly kids movie.

Stacey: Michael Che, we don’t need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. We don’t need to see Matt Mendler wearing big old tee.

Debbie: It’s satanic.

Stacey: Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash hell

Debbie: Um-hmm. Imagine that. Okay? I’m sorry. You just imagine that your home [yelling] with hell in it.

Stacey: Yeah. Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Che?

Debbie: I’m sorry. Is it Michael Che? Satan in your living room? Hard as a rock?

Michael Che: No, that’s not what I want, Debbie Hole. But don’t you think you’re missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween?

Stacey: Oh, there’s nothing fun about Halloween.

Michael Che: What about candy?

Debbie: Satanic.

Michael Che: What candy is satanic?

Stacey: Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. We’re feeding kids kids? Making a bunch of army hammers?

Debbie: Oh, and do not get me started on Skittles.

Michael Che: Okay, I won’t.

Stacey: Oh, you gotta start it. You gotta start it. Okay. Taste the Rainbow? Demonic. I’m gonna say this. Any vending machine with Skittles in it, that’s a glory hole for devil.

Debbie: Gushers? Ew.

Stacey: Everlasting Gobstopper? So suck till I’m dead? No.

Michael Che: Oh, so you guys are just crazy.

Debbie: I’m sorry. Crazy about family, church and laughter.

Stacey: Yes. You know what? I swear even talking about those make me nervous. Okay, you open your mouth long enough, a demon will sweep in it. [Debbie acts like she’s possessed] What did I say??

Michael Che: You alright?

Stacey: Dude, no. She got a demon in her. She probably caught it here in S-in-hell (SNL). I’m gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. We sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to god, Debbie, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building your throne, I’m leaving New York. Hey, Debbie, I’m gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to hell. Can you do that for me? Can you do that, Debbie K. Hole?

Debbie: Oh, and I’m back. That was a little fun, I’m not gonna lie. In conclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to Hocus Pocus, and we gotta go.

Stacey: Yeah.

Michael Che: Where are you going?

Stacey: We got tickets to wicket.

Michael Che: Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy, everyone.

Proud Parents

Debbie… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mrs. Pine… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Pine… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Obi… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Obi… Daniel Kaluuya

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

David… Chris Redd

[Starts with a group of people walking to the living room after having a meal.]

Debbie: Wow, what a lovely meal this was.

Beck: Absolutely. This was my first time having Nigerian food and I must say, it is delicious.

Mrs. Pine: Oh. Hard agree. Pearl, you have to share that stew recipe with me.

Mr. Pine: Why? You know it’s not gonna taste the same when you do it. [laughing]

Mrs. Obi: Oh, come on. Linda, I am sure your stew will be very good.

Mr. Obi: Next time, she will make you a Ugandan dish. I’m the luckiest person because I get to enjoy her cooking every day.

Debbie: Well boys, you should be proud of yourselves. First year of college in the camp.

Beck: Now, I hate to be that dad but Nick actually won an award for his final project.

All: Really?

Nick: It’s nothing really. It’s just a piece I made in postmodern sculpting class.

Debbie: We actually brought it. [showing the sculpture.]

Mrs. Pine: Wow!

Mr. Pine: Kind of takes your breath away.

Mr. Obi: That’s fantastic. I’m proud to say I know the next Picasso.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Nick, it looks like you’re going to be a famous artist some day.

Nick: Oh. Thanks, Mr. and Mr.s Obi.

Debbie: And how are things going over for you over at Drexel, David?

Mr. Obi: Oh, David is studying to be a medical doctor. We are very proud of him. Paging Dr. Obi.

Mrs. Obi: David, why don’t you tell everyone about your pre-med classes? He is excelling in chemistry.

David: Well, I actually changed my major to creative writing.

[plot change music playing]

Mrs. Obi: You did what?

David: I changed my major to creative writing.

Mr. Obi: Creative who?

David: Creative write-ing.

Mr. Obi: God forbid.

Mrs. Obi: What is ‘creative write-ing’?

David: Something I’m really passionate about. I actually won the ‘Promising Young Writer’ award.

Debbie: Oh, that’s fantastic.

Beck: Nice, buddy.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, yes, very nice, buddy. And award? Can you pay your bills with an award?

Mr. Obi: Can you buy a house with an award?

Mrs. Obi: ‘Promising young writer’. Who promised you what?

David: When Nick said he won an award, you guys said he was going to be famous.

Mr. Obi and Mrs. Obi: We were lying.

Mr. Obi: Look at his ridiculous sculpture.

Mrs. Obi: This ugly thing. Very, very ugly. Mark my words. In two years, Mr. Picasso here is going to be a bag boy at Trader Joe’s.

Debbie: Hey! You know we’re right here.

Mrs. Obi: Debby, it’s true, honey.
Mr. Obi: Son. You are born to be a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. What kind of job will you get with creative writing?

David: I could be an author.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A journalist.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A professor.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: Hell no.

Debbie: Hey, those sound like great careers.

Mrs. Obi: No, Debbie. They’re not. [to David] You can become a doctor for 40 or 50 years, and then do your writing once you retire.

Beck: You know guys? The world needs poets too.

Mr. Obi: Yes. If there’s anything we have learned from the pandemic, it’s that the world needs more poets.

Mrs. Pine: I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering your own interest, David.

David: Thanks, Mrs. Pine.

Mrs. Obi: Okay, Linda Pine. Why don’t you take him?

Mrs. Pine: Excuse me?

Mr. Obi: David is your’s now.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Since you think it’s so beautiful that he won’t be a doctor, he can be your son.

Mrs. Pine: Oh, I don’t think–

Mrs. Obi: Oh! She doesn’t think. Hah!

Mr. Obi: So, you also don’t want a son that’s not a doctor.

David: Ma and dad, I’m just not passionate about being a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Okay. If you really don’t want to be a doctor… You have to!

Debbie: You guys haven’t even read any of his written yet.

Beck: Yes. David, maybe you can read one of your poems.

David: Sure, I’d be happy to. [stands up] This poem, I won an award for. It’s called ‘My sorrow’. [opens a sheet of paper and starts reading]

I wake up and my emotions are as blue as blue paint

[he sits down]

Mrs. Pine: That’s it?

David: Yes.

Mr. Pine: You know, ain’t nothing wrong with being a doctor, David.
Mrs. Pine: Yeah.

Debbie: How about a toast? Here’s to Nick and David. To promising young artists.

[Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi are also raising their glasses, but they’re very pissed off. They break their glasses.]

Mr. Obi: Oh, no. We are bleeding.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, is there a poet in the house? Someone call a poet!

Mr. Obi: Call a poet!

The Reveal

Detective Sims…Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Debbie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Reveal” intro]

Male voice: In these times, criminal justice is being carried out over Zoom.

[Cut to Zoom video call. There are four participants.]

Detective Sims: Hi, everyone. Detective Sims again. Look, this is not how we normally conduct a murder investigation, but like everyone else, we have to adjust to the new normal.

Bowen: Yes, of course.

Cecily: Happy to help.

Detective Sims: Cool. As you know, you’re all suspects because you attended Dirk Walker Simpson’s pool party on February 15th where he was strangled with somebody’s bikini bottoms. Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What a way to go. Anyway, we have a breakthrough on the case and I’ll inform you of that once Debbie Johnson, the final suspect logs in.

Bowen: Yeah. I just want to say. I was nowhere near Dirk when he died. I was in the bathroom desperately shaving my bikini line.

Detective Sims: Alright. We’ll hold off on alibis until Debbie gets here.

[Cecily is humming a song]

Chris: Oh, that’s nice.

Cecily: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.

Chris: No, it’s nice. What is it?

Cecily: Oh, I’m just– I’m humming a little song I wrote. I’m just trying that not to forget the melody.

Bowen: It’s got something.

Detective Sims: You wanna sing it for us?

Cecily: What?

Detective Sims: You might as well. I mean, we’re waiting for Debbie.

Cecily: Wow! Okay. First performance of my new song, no pressure.

[singing] You are the song, I am the moon
we’re always so busy with our jobs in the sky
I wish that we could hug and let love fly
fly, fly

[everyone’s clapping]

Chris: I’m sorry. I did not know Lana Del Rey was a suspect in Dirk Walker Simpson’s murder. To think, that was fire, okay?

Detective Sims: I write songs too. That’s why I was curious to hear it.

Cecily: You do?

Bowen: Yeah. I knew there was something creative about you, detective.

Chris: What genre do you do, man?

Detective Sims: More like, masculine rock. Like, how it used to be.

Bowen: Umm, like Pick-up tTucks and Barbecues?

Detective Sims: Yeah. Ladies On Car Hoods, that sort of thing.

Cecily: Sorry. I’m just wondering if there’s an update on Debbie?

Detective Sims: I emailed her the warrant. She clicked “attending.”

Cecily: Sorry. I was just thinking about our friend that got murdered. It’s okay. Let’s hear the song.

Detective Sims: Might as well sing it, right? I mean, Debbie’s not here.

Bowen: Yeah. Come on. Give it to us.

Detective Sims: [singing] Rare steak, I’m red and raw
and I’m feeling you up like a rare steak
now let me sizzle on your griddle like a rare steak

ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rare steak

[Debbie has already joined]

Debbie: Sorry, I thought for a second detective Sims was singing.

Detective Sims: I was singing an original called ‘Rare Steak,’ but now that you’re here, let’s get back to the murder investigation. Debbie Johnson, we have security footage proving that you murdered Mr. Walker Simpson.

Debbie: Was the footage any good?

Detective Sims: Not for you. No.

Debbie: Okay. Got you. I’m sorry. Look, Dirk wasn’t exactly one of my favs. I had two wine spritzers and I murdered him. Ha-ha. I’m sorry.

Detective Sims: Oh.

Debbie: Okay, bye-bye.

Detective Sims: I guess she left. Well, we should probably go arrest her. Does anyone wanna her more of ‘Rare Steak’ before we leave?

Cecily: Thank you everybody. Bye.

Chris: Bye. See you later. How do we get out of here?

Bowen: Stop video.

Detective Sims: Well, I’ll just start singing.

[singing] Rare steak, it’s red in the middle
I’m just a little brow on the outside

[Debbie walks back in dancing to the song.]

It’s dripping red and it’s in my mouth
It’s going to down my throat and it’s making me rock

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.