Detective Sims…Beck Bennett
Bowen Yang
Cecily Strong
Chris Redd
Debbie… Heidi Gardner
[Starts with “The Reveal” intro]Male voice: In these times, criminal justice is being carried out over Zoom.
[Cut to Zoom video call. There are four participants.]Detective Sims: Hi, everyone. Detective Sims again. Look, this is not how we normally conduct a murder investigation, but like everyone else, we have to adjust to the new normal.
Bowen: Yes, of course.
Cecily: Happy to help.
Detective Sims: Cool. As you know, you’re all suspects because you attended Dirk Walker Simpson’s pool party on February 15th where he was strangled with somebody’s bikini bottoms. Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What a way to go. Anyway, we have a breakthrough on the case and I’ll inform you of that once Debbie Johnson, the final suspect logs in.
Bowen: Yeah. I just want to say. I was nowhere near Dirk when he died. I was in the bathroom desperately shaving my bikini line.
Detective Sims: Alright. We’ll hold off on alibis until Debbie gets here.
[Cecily is humming a song]Chris: Oh, that’s nice.
Cecily: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.
Chris: No, it’s nice. What is it?
Cecily: Oh, I’m just– I’m humming a little song I wrote. I’m just trying that not to forget the melody.
Bowen: It’s got something.
Detective Sims: You wanna sing it for us?
Cecily: What?
Detective Sims: You might as well. I mean, we’re waiting for Debbie.
Cecily: Wow! Okay. First performance of my new song, no pressure.
[singing] You are the song, I am the moonwe’re always so busy with our jobs in the sky
I wish that we could hug and let love fly
fly, fly [everyone’s clapping]
Chris: I’m sorry. I did not know Lana Del Rey was a suspect in Dirk Walker Simpson’s murder. To think, that was fire, okay?
Detective Sims: I write songs too. That’s why I was curious to hear it.
Cecily: You do?
Bowen: Yeah. I knew there was something creative about you, detective.
Chris: What genre do you do, man?
Detective Sims: More like, masculine rock. Like, how it used to be.
Bowen: Umm, like Pick-up tTucks and Barbecues?
Detective Sims: Yeah. Ladies On Car Hoods, that sort of thing.
Cecily: Sorry. I’m just wondering if there’s an update on Debbie?
Detective Sims: I emailed her the warrant. She clicked “attending.”
Cecily: Sorry. I was just thinking about our friend that got murdered. It’s okay. Let’s hear the song.
Detective Sims: Might as well sing it, right? I mean, Debbie’s not here.
Bowen: Yeah. Come on. Give it to us.
Detective Sims: [singing] Rare steak, I’m red and raw
and I’m feeling you up like a rare steak
now let me sizzle on your griddle like a rare steak
ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rare steak
[Debbie has already joined]Debbie: Sorry, I thought for a second detective Sims was singing.
Detective Sims: I was singing an original called ‘Rare Steak,’ but now that you’re here, let’s get back to the murder investigation. Debbie Johnson, we have security footage proving that you murdered Mr. Walker Simpson.
Debbie: Was the footage any good?
Detective Sims: Not for you. No.
Debbie: Okay. Got you. I’m sorry. Look, Dirk wasn’t exactly one of my favs. I had two wine spritzers and I murdered him. Ha-ha. I’m sorry.
Detective Sims: Oh.
Debbie: Okay, bye-bye.
Detective Sims: I guess she left. Well, we should probably go arrest her. Does anyone wanna her more of ‘Rare Steak’ before we leave?
Cecily: Thank you everybody. Bye.
Chris: Bye. See you later. How do we get out of here?
Bowen: Stop video.
Detective Sims: Well, I’ll just start singing.
[singing] Rare steak, it’s red in the middleI’m just a little brow on the outside [Debbie walks back in dancing to the song.]
It’s dripping red and it’s in my mouth
It’s going to down my throat and it’s making me rock