Tag: Gary

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.] [cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.] [Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Drag Brunch

Gary… Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cecily Strong

Waitress. John Mulaney

[Starts with four friends sitting in a restaurant]

Gary: So wait, hold on. This is a drag brunch?

Aidy: Yes. Yes. The waiters are in drag and they say catty things to you. It’s fun.

Pete: Yeah. And they have bottomless mimosas. What could be better than that?

Cecily: Oh, look. Here comes our waitress.

[A waitress walks in. She is wearing pink uniform.]

Waitress: Good morning, bitches. The good lord named me Tony Pockets and I’ll be your server-ess.

Gary: Hi, Tony.

Pete: This might be more fun than I thought.

Waitress: Might be. And you might the worst lay in the history. At lest according to that bag of lotion and what it said. Okerr? [everyone laughing] And you miss thang, wow! [looking at Cecily] Canel street called and wants that fake ass Chanel purse back immediately.

Cecily: [laughing] OMG, this purse is fake Chanel. See, it says Charnel.

Waitress: Yes, queen. That bag is as fake as my orgasms. Trust! [looking at Aidy] And somebody best keep calling the fire department about this one coz that smoky eye situation has become a stop, drop and roll one.

Aidy: [laughing] She got me.

All: [pointing at Gary] Do him. Do him.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: You’ve never worked for anything in your life. You’ve had everything handed to you. One thing you haven’t been able to purchase is a personality. And a soul. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Alright bitches, I’m gonna sashy away and grab them mimosas.

[Waitress walks away]

Pete: Guys, this is pretty fun.

Gary: Is it?

Aidy: Oh, Gary, come on. You’re not upset, are you?

Gary: No. It’s just that with you guys she was really superficial. And then with me, she got dark. It was like there was no joy in her eyes.

Pete: Gary. Get over it.

Cecily: Yeah. That is what drag queens do, okay? They throw shade. They read beads. It’s just part of the whole experience.

Gary: Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.

Aidy: Oh, here she comes again.

[Waitress walks in with two drinks, one in each of her hands.]

Waitress: I’m back, kitty girls. Oh, sure, damn! There’s four of you and I only brought two. [to Cecily] Well, I made you extra strong coz you’re gonna have to rub front with that thirsty troll. [to Aidy] Also, I called 911 to help out with the tragedy that is that smoky eye situation.

Aidy: She will not let go of my smoky eye.

Pete: Yo, don’t forget about Gary.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: When was the last time someone smiled coz you walked into a room? I can’t imagine anyone driving joy from seeing such an overprivileged husk of a shallow human being. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Okerr! I’m gonna be back with some menus.

[Waitress walks away. Everyone’s laughing except Gary.]

Gary: What? I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy. People like me. And it has nothing to do with my godfather being Dyson Vacuum guy.

Pete: Oh, Gary. She’s just teasing.

Gary: No. She hates me. Look.

[Cut to Waitress staring at Gary with angry face from far] [Cut to everyone]

Cecily: Gary, you have to take what she’s saying with a grain of salt.

Gary: It just seems that the grains of salt that she’s giving me are coarser than those being served to you.

Aidy: Oh, Gary. You don’t have a poetic mind. You shouldn’t try to speak in metaphors.

Pete: Yeah, Gary. Just enjoy her sass.

Gary: Oh, my god. Here she comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Seriously, I might cry.

Cecily: Already? Okay. But then, that’s it for the day.

[Waitress walks in with the menus]

Waitress: Got you menus you hungry, hungry whores. [Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes] And you. I know you’re used to everything just being handed to you but not today, Gary Watson.

Gary: Wait. How do you know my full name?

Waitress: Don’t you recognize me?

Gary: Um, no.

Waitress: Does this help? [She takes off her wig. Actually he’s a man. He takes off his fake breasts too.] Now?

Gary: No.

Waitress: Okay. What if I do this?

[Waitress takes off his glasses and wipes his lipstick.]

Gary: Milton Saunders?

Milton: Correct. I was your intern over five years ago. You scolded me over a lunch order when I worked for you at Golden Sachs. Well, guess what? I’m a junior VP at Credit Suisse now.

Gary: Wait, then why are you working here?

Milton: My friend owns the restaurant and told me you were coming.

Gary: Wait. So, you got into full drag just to insult me?

Milton: Correct.

Gary: But it must have taken like, two hours to get in all this.

Milton: Four. Contouring takes a while if you’re new to it. Anyway, I accept your apology.

Gary: I didn’t say I was sorry.

Milton: Now, does everyone know what they like to order?

Cecily: Wait. You’re still gonna take our order?

Milton: Yes. The agreement was that I would work a whole shift. So, what you bitches wanna eat?

Gary: Okay. I guess I’ll have the breakfast burrito with the sour cream, one the side, please. Don’t mess it up like five years ago.

Milton: Yes, sir. Immediately sir. Dammit!

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

Corporate Retreat

Gary… Mikey day

Sandy… Sasheer Zamata

Jim… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Gary and Sandy on the stage announcing their show]

Gary: Alright, welcome to Night 2 of the Hartford Pharmaceuticals Corporate Retreat here at Aston Waikiki Beach Hotel.

Sandy: And a big shout out again to Jim R. from Sedona who wowed us all with his beautiful Hula dancing skills last night.

Gary: Yeah. You sure filled out that hula skirt, Jim.

Jim: Guess what? I didn’t wear underwear.

Gary: Yeah, Jim, we know.

Sandy: Yeah, we saw that.

Jim: Ha-ha-ha. Nice, it was seen.

Gary: Okay. So, Sandy and I were arguing earlier and she thinks people who work in pharmaceuticals are stuffy.

Sandy: That’s right. But, here’s your chance to prove me wrong. Tonight, you’re the entertainment.

Gary: That’s right. It’s Jokey Okey. It’s like Karaoke without music or singing.

Sandy: It’s just you guys telling your favorite jokes. So who wants to go first?

Gary: Oh! Looks like I got someone right up at table three.

[Melissa is raising her hand]

Melissa: She has a joke.

Cecily: Huh? No, I don’t.

Felicity: Yes, you do. the joke from your joke book.

[All Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are speaking weirdly and expressionlessly.]

Cecily: Oh, from my joke book? Oh, I guess I can do it.

Gary: Alright. Let’s hear it.

Cecily: Okay. So, there were two prostitutes sitting in a bar and one says, “Wanna know why I’m so popular?” And she takes a banana and she puts it all the way into her mouth and down. And the bartender says, “Oh, wow! So what makes you popular?” And the second one doesn’t say anything. She just slides down the base of the stool because it goes inside her because she’s so loose.

[Gary and Sandy are shocked]

Sandy: Okay. Well, the seagull was a fan of that.  Who’s next?

Felicity: I have one. Look at me.

Gary: Um, well we jsut had one from your table, so we’re gonna spread it around a little bit.

Felicity: Um, nobody’s hands are up and I’m ready to go. So I’m gonna do it.

Gary: Okay, just one more.

Felicity: Here it goes. What’s the difference between oral and anal relations? One makes your whole night and one makes your whole week (hole weak). Not week like seven days, weak like damaged. Or loose.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling] [Gary takes the mic back]

Gary:  Okay! I think we covered being loose. What else do the people have? [Melissa pulls the mic] Okay. You’ve already done it.

Melissa: Not me. So a man has a sore rear hole. So the doctor tells the guy to take off all his pants and he reaches in there.

Cecily: With that? His hand?

Melissa: Yeah. He reaches up and pulls out a bouquet of flowers.

Felicity: They were roses.

Gary: Wow, okay. Excellent.

Melissa: So the doctor says, “Sir, did you know you have flowers inside you? What gives?” And the patient says, “Well, read the card.”

Cecily: I guess he must have been pretty loose back there.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling]

Gary: Wow. All your jokes deal with being loose. I guess comedy is not for everybody, right folks?

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey! Who the hell are you to talk to these women like that? Okay? Maybe no one’s laughing because they’re thinking. These are thinkers. That’s what they call it in the biz.  I know because I dated Richard Lewis before I met the love of my life. Maybe you didn’t like all these those jokes about being loose… coz you’re so uptight.

[Everybody clapping for Kate]

Jim: My beautiful wife. My wife is right, you jackass!

Gary: [confused] Am I missing something? How did I become the bad guy here?

Sandy: She’s right, Gary. You’ve been a jerk all day.

Gary: What?

Sandy: Ladies, you got another one in here?

Cecily: That’s what she said. Oh, wait. No, no. She said, “No, but I would like another one in me.”

Felicity: That’s how loose she is.

Melissa: [giggling] And that’s what he said.

[Melissa, Cecily and Felicity are giggling] [The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves] [Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]

Joe Biden Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 17

Gary…  Kenan Thompson

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Gwen … Kate McKinnon

Jennifer…  Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Douglas…Leslie Jones

[Starts with Gary and Jackie in Biden Campaign headquarters]

Gary: All right, the vice presidents going to be here in a minute. Do you think we can turn this thing around?

Jackie: Yeah, I hope so. You know, Joe’s a good guy, and he means well. He’s just a little behind the times.

Gary: Yeah, I’m sure this whole ordeal is just tearing him up inside.

[Joe Biden walks in the door]

Joe Biden: Hey, oh! Biden’s here!

[Cut to everybody]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Hi, Jackie, how are you? [Joe starts hugging and Jackie and Gary a little too much] Nice to see you dear. So good to see you. Brother man! Come here Gary, brother. How are you doing?

Gary: Alright, hey I’m good.

Joe Biden: Good to see you.

Jackie: Joe, listen. We need to talk to you about something.

Joe Biden: Oh, I know, it’s about my March Madness bracket, right? Look, I know I had Delaware winning the whole thing even though they didn’t make the tournament this year. But hey, it’s better than last year I picked Amtrak Right?

Gary: Yeah Joe, it’s just about all the touchy feely stuff.

Jackie: If you’re really going to run in 2020, you have to change the way you interact with women.

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, you guys know that I’m a tactical politician, right? Okay? I’m a hugger, a kisser, and a little bit of sniffer. The last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone.

Jackie: Well, and that’s why we’ve brought in a Gwen who handles sensitivity training. And she’s going to explain why some of your behavior crossed the line. Gwen, do you want to come in?

[Cut to Gwen enters the room]

Gwen: Hi, Mr. Biden.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Hey, [Joe shakes his hand with Gwen, then puts his forehead on Gwen’s forehead] it’s really great to meet you, Gwen.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President?

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: One second, I’m just connecting. Sorry for the interruption. Really, truly. Thank you. Now, what were you saying?

Gwen: Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of thing I’m here to prevent.

Joe Biden: Okay, okay. Wait, I think nose to nose is going to be okay. Because look, I did the 23 and the meet thing, like Lizzie– what’s her name, Lizzie Warren, right? It turns out that I’m 1% Eskimo. So, I’m allowed to do the kissing. It’s okay.

Gwen: Okay. Well, ideally when you meet a female stranger for the first time there would be no kisses or hugs of any kind.

Joe Biden: Okay, but that’s a human connection. That’s my whole thing. That’s like telling Mario Batali to take his crocs off. You know?

Gwen: Yeah, I wouldn’t bring him into this.

Joe Biden: Speaking of human connection, why don’t we get some vibes going in here. Hey, [Cut to everybody] Alexa, play Lou Rawls. [Music starts playing]

Jackie: Joe, let’s try to focus.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I can think and shimmy at the exact same time. Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Yeah, Alexa, let’s stop playing Lou Rawls.

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Of all the people, [Cut to Gwen and Joe] come on, Gary.

Gwen: Mr. Vice President, let’s discuss how to properly greet a woman.

Joe Biden: Okay, all right. What about a handshake?

Gwen: Handshake is great.

Joe Biden: Good. Okay, what about during that handshake I tickle her palm, something like that?

Gwen: That’s not great.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Gwen: I would say no tickling at all.

Joe Biden: Really? Even on her birthday? Okay, all right. Now, what if I see someone that’s having a hard day? Bear with me, here. And I cheer her up by lifting up her shirt and blowing on her tummy?

Gwen: Absolutely not.

Joe Biden: Okay. Okay. Let me see what else I got. I am still allowed to do something like that gorgeous lift that they do at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’, is that still okay?

Gwen: Who would you do that with?

Joe Biden: Hell, I don’t know, whoever’s strong enough to pick any up. I guess. Coal miner, possibly. Linebacker.

Gwen: Joe, I had a hunch you would be more of a learn by doing type. So I invited a couple of female democratic voters here today who are undecided. I thought it would be helpful if you met them and I could give you some notes.

Joe Biden: Okay. Hey, I promise I will listen and try to learn. So, let’s get them in here. Alexa, play ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top, please.

Jackie: No, no, no, no. They don’t need entrance music, Joe.

Gary: Yeah! [Cut to everybody] Alexa, please stop playing ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Great! Our first voter is from Wisconsin–

Joe Biden: Go badges!

Gwen: –which is obviously a battleground state. She was an employee for General Motors until January when they downsized her unit.

Joe Biden: I would like to upsize my unit. That’s not a joke I would make to her. That obviously just stays in the room. That’s just for us.

Gwen: Jennifer, you want to come in?

[Jennifer walks in the room]

Joe Biden: Jenny. [Cut to everybody] Jenny, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, okay? And then what m I doing? Oh, I know, I should probably just cradle her face in my hands, something like that.

Gwen: Definitely not that.

Joe Biden: Oh, right! I got to keep it neutral. Greet her like I’m greeting a guy. [Joe brags Jennifer into his arm and then rubs his knuckle on Jennifer’s scalp] Come here, you son of a bitch.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Hey, hey, hey! Joe, stop that.

[Cut to Jennifer, Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: No, no! I’m just messing around, okay? Let me tell you why you’re going to vote for Biden, okay—[Jennifer punches Joe on his stomach and leaves] Oh! Ha-ha. Well, you know, I would say she’s still on the fence, that’s clear as day. Whoo.

Gwen: I was going to save this one for last but it’s clear nothing is getting through to you. Our next voter is from Oakland, California. She is a software engineer for Oracle.

Joe Biden: Oh, I love ‘The Matrix’, the whole trilogy. It just keeps better as I go.

Gwen: She’s looking for a candidate who can beat Donald Trump.

Joe Biden: Oh, you mean the guy that actually bragged about assault on tape?

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Yes. Yes, but unlike his voters, your voters actually care.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Let’s bring in Mrs. Douglas.

Joe Biden: Show me Mrs. D.

[Mrs. Douglas comes in. She is very tall and big.]

Mrs. Douglas: Excuse me?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry.

Gwen: What do you say now?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean to overstep.

Mrs. Douglas: Wait a second, I know who you are. Oh, my god, you’re Obama’s Granddaddy!

[Mrs. Douglas walks to Joe and hugs him]

Joe Biden: I sure as hell am, get in here!

Mrs. Douglas: Oh, I love you!

Joe Biden: Low-fi, come on. [Mrs. Douglas slaps Joe’s butt] Boom, boom.

Mrs. Douglas: I’m so going to vote for you.

Joe Biden: Thank you. I love you, baby. Thank you. Appreciate it. [Mrs. Douglas leaves].  Wow, her thumbs. Whoa.

Gwen: That was not how I wanted that to go. Did we learn anything today?

Joe Biden: Oh, yeah. I mean,  not really, no. But the important thing I think is that I’m listening. I hear you. [Joe starts massaging Gwen] And I feel you.

Gwen: Not the right direction.

Joe Biden: So, come on! Let’s hug it out, America, what do you say? Biden and some woman in 2020, right? We can do this.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Wait! Are you making an official announcement right now?

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Oh, I sure am. Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’!