Tag: Market

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.