Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]
Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.