Tag: 6

Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

Weekend Update- Republicans to Block January 6 Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 22 at left top corner.]

Well, it’s our last Weekend Update and I have to say, I think that the country is in a better place than when we started this season. I think. In September there were headlines like, “Will the president destroy democracy?” And now I’m seeing headlines like “Will this be the most turnt-ass summer ever?”

[Picture changes to Capitol riot]

And who can forget that time when the president tried to murder congress? Apparently, congress can, since the senate is likely to block a bipartisan investigation into the capitol riot. Thanks to opposition from Mitch McConnell seen here at the demolition at the children’s hospital.

Republicans just want to forget the riots ever happened and focus on the future of their party and future of their party is of course… [Picture changes to Matt Gaetz] Yikes! It was reported that federal authority’s investigating sex trafficking accusations against Matt Gaetz have secure the cooperation of his ex girlfriend. But not until after her prom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the seize fire agreement between Israel and Hamas, insiders praise president Biden’s light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu. But in fairness, everything Biden does involves some kind of touch.

[Picture changes to Andrew Giuliani]

Andrew Giuliani who is the child of Rudy Giuliani and I’m going to say Gary Busey announced that he’s running for governor of New York and claimed he spent five decades in politics despite the fact he’s only 35 yers old. I didn’t know you can get a brain damage when your father drinks during the pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden driving a truck at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden test drove in all electric F-150 pickup truck at a plant in Michigan and you’re probably thinking, “Ha-ha, he’s old. I bet he drives slow.” Well, watch this.

[Cut to a video of a truck being driven fast]

[cut back to Colin Jost]

Jesus, Joe. I’m not going to lie, that made me think we were about to have our first female president. I mean the last time a guy his age drove that fast, he traveled into the future.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, New York city lifted many of its restrictions with restaurants and salons able to return to Colin Jost00% capacity. While New York state– [cheers] Yeah, that’s great.  New York state nursing homes will remain at 900%. New York city gyms will also return to full capacity, though they still recommend social distancing from that old guy powdering his balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that North Korea has banned it’s citizens from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans. And yet, another attempt to cancel Morgan Wallen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of logos of tinder, okcupid and hinge logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House announced that several dating apps including tinder, okcupid and Hinge are launching a new feature that will let people show their vaccination status. But you can’t believe everything you see on a dating app. I mean, my tinder profile says I’m a white architect named Craig.