DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim
Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong
Kendra… Regina King
Matt… Kyle Mooney
Kevin… Alex Moffat
Link… Mikey Day[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]
DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.[Tampa walks in]
Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?
DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.[Kendra walks in]
Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?
Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.
Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…
DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…
Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?
Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.
Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.
Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.
DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.
Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.
Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.
Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you
Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.
Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?
Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.
Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.
Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.
Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.
DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.
Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]
Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]
Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?
Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.
Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.
Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?
Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.
Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.
Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house
Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.
Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?
Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.
Kendra: Check please.
Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?
Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.
Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.
Link: Yeah.[Kendra and Link walk to each other]
Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.
Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]
Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.