Actress Scene | Season 44 Episode 20

Reese Dewhat… Kenan Thompson

Anna Maxine-Flint… Barbara… Kate McKinnon

Hatty Smirs … Midge … Emma Thompson

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Narrator: You’re watching cinema classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese Dewhat in his set]

Reese Dewhat: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewhat. And Dewhat’s up, everybody? Tonight we take a look at the 1953 classic ‘Always be sisters’, starring long-time Hollywood rivals [Cut to picture of Anna and Hatty] Anna Maxine-Flint and Hatty Smirs. [Cut to Reese] ‘Always be sisters’ was hailed as a Triumph of cinema by the marketing team and a piece of real-time stinko by everybody else. Perhaps because both actresses had it written into their contract that they would have the last word in every scene. But that would only be a guess, and as has been established, I am a terrible guesser. Just ask my wife, who asked me to guess that she made for dinner, to which I replied, ‘Mistakes’? Worst mother’s day ever. Let’s watch a scene now and see if you can spot the actresses trying to cleverly get the last word in.

[Cut to the movie scene. Barbara is combing her hair.] [The door knocks]

Barbara: Come in.

[Midge walks in the door]

Midge: Hello, Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara stands up]

Barbara: Midge. I’m surprised to see you here. Opening night, no less.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Well, I wanted to see the damn thing before it closed.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Well, thanks for wishing me good luck.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I didn’t.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh, Mean. Well, seems like there’s nothing more to be said but good-bye.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Indeed.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Agreed.

Midge: Sure.

Barbara: Okey-dokey.

Midge: Yes. And once I leave, it’s the end.

Barbara: Well, [Cut to Barbara] if I didn’t know better I would say you were trying to get the last word in. Which is kind of my thing.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Midge: Guilty.

Barbara: Guilty as they come.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Then I better call my lawyer.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: And your lawyer better call his lawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Too many lawyers. That makes lawyer soup.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Lawyer, lawyer pants on fawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I guess all that can follow that is silence. Good-bye, old friend.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch. Mitch leaves the room in a hurry.]

Barbara: [Barbara spreads her arms and starts singing]

For love conquers all

[Mitch enters the room again]

Midge: I forgot my purse.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You weren’t carrying a purse.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I forgot my lamp. And cut.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You can’t call cut. What are you, a director?

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Why, do you want to sleep with me?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Why are you a—

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: All right, you say the last line and we’ll be done with it. I don’t  care. I never cared.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Fine.

Midge: Good.

Barbara: Job.

Midge: He–

Barbara: Said–

Midge: To–

Barbara: The–

Midge: Mud hound store.

Barbara: No. That makes no sense.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: That makes about as much sense as you saying the last line. [Cut to Barbara and Mitch] I’m running.

Barbara:  I’m running. I’m running.

[Barbara and Mitch both leave the room] [Both of them enter the room again]

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: I’m talking, foreskin. Tarantula.

Barbara: That’s it. Okay. Fade to black. Credit’s roll. MGM Lion. Roar.

Midge: The end, the end.

[Alex enters the room]

Alex Moffat: Places. Time for places.

[Mitch pushed Alex out of the room]

Midge: Loo,  Barbara. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s enough sky in the sky for both of our stars to shine. Besides –

Barbara and Midge: We’ll always be sisters.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

[Cut to Reese]

Reese Dewhat: And they were never heard from again. What? That’s not right? Well, who wrote these notes? Tony? What happened to Mitch? Arrested? For what? Well, who did he expose? Oh, his own self. Where? My dressing room? Well, then I need to switch. Why not? Well, she can move for “Cinema Classics”, I have been Reese De’what!

[Ends with outro]

 

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.] [Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.] [Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.