Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad] [space ship landing sound] [Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.] [Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.] [cheers and applause] [Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor] [Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt] [audience laughing] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly] [Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.] [The End]

Grow-a-Guy

Sasheer Zamata

Clint… Beck Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Trevor… Mike O’Brien

Pete Davidson

Chad… James Franco

[Starts with five friends. They are having camp fire.] [Everyone is laughing]

Sasheer: That wasn’t even the worst. The worst was when he was walking around with toilet with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants all day.

[Cut to everyone laughing] [Clint is looking at Venessa]

Clint: Check out Trevor. So quiet.

Venessa: Clint!

Trevor: I talked like, a minute ago.

Clint: Bro, can I ask? Are we your only friends?

Trevor: What are you talking about?

Venessa: Clint! Don’t!

Clint: No, no. I’m genuinely asking. I’m helping the guy. Do you have any other friends besides us?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Um, I’ve got, um… friend named Chad who goes to another school. You wouldn’t know. It’s funny, it’s crap.

Clint: You should bring him up here next weekend.

Trevor: I will. If you want. If it–

[Cut to Trevor in his room walking here and there.] [Trevor looks at a magazine.]

Trevor: Grow a guy.

[Cut to Trevor unboxing the package.] [Trevor reads the manual and puts in the formula] [Trevor is literally growing a person. First in a can, then in a fish bowl.] [Cut to Trevor smiling]

Trevor: Oh, hello there.

[Cut to Chad in Trevor’s arms looking confused.] [Chad is crying and feeding like a baby.] [Trevor is teaching Chad other stuffs.]

Trevor: Wikipesia. These are tweets. This is all Guardians of the Galaxy. Popular movie.

[Cut to the friends camping again.  Chad is also there.]

Clint: Just stick it in there little bit more.

Venessa: Okay, everybody shut up for a second.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

I’ve got a game. Alright? Just close your eyes. Okay, you’re gonna thank me. [Cut to everybody closing their eyes.] Now, picture Mr. Douis having sex.

Everybody: Ah!

Pete: What do you guys think like, his dating situation is for real?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: Genuinely, I’d rather picture him having sex than on a date.

[Everyone laughs]

Venessa: You’re so right, Trevor.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, Chad. I can see you can drink my beer. Can you talk too?

Venessa: Clint!

Clint: What? I’m genuinely asking.

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I am Groot. That is funny. Guardians!

[Everybody laughing]

I can talk. Hey, what are hashtags?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Say that again?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: No, I get that they’re to flag a socialble term in your tweet but wouldn’t it work just the same if you didn’t put the number symbol there?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I’m seriously asking.

Trevor: Chad, drop it. It’s nothing.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, can I ask you something, bro? Are you a grow a guy? Because I’m not super thrilled by the idea of a grow a guy eating my family’s marshmallows at our nice ass lake house. So, I guess I’m curious. Chad? Are you a grow a guy?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: Yes, I am that.

Clint: Yes, I knew it. I win. No other friends!

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: This sucks. God, you don’t even work. I’m throwing you out.

Chad: Actually, you don’t have to do that. We self-destruct.

Trevor: Like how would you–

[Chad bursts] [Cut to Sasheer and Pete]

Pete: I mean, he kind of did have a point bout the hasntags, right?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Are you a grow a guy too?

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete. Pete smiles and bursts.] [cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Guess, he was a grow a guy.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Yeah! Me too. Peace!

[Clint also bursts] [Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Trevor]

Trevor: I guess it’s just me and the ladies.

[Sasheer and Venessa burst too. Trevor is alone.]