Theme Song Game

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Jen… Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Brad… Chris Pine

[Starts with three couples playing a game in house]

Kenan: Okay, guys. Game night continues. You ready? Guess this theme. [singing] Thank you for being a friend.

Beck: Oh! Oh! It’s ‘Friends’.

Jen: Friends? No, it’s ‘Golden Girls.’

Kate: Honey, you know that.

Beck: I was close.

Kate: You weren’t close. Who’s up next?

Cecily: You know what? We haven’t gone yet.

Brad: Yeah. I think. Is it our turn?

Kenan: Yeah, guys. Go for it. Just pick a card and sing that thing.

Cecily: Okay. Alright. [picks a card]You know what? This one needs two people. Brad, do this one with me, honey.

Brad: You know what? I’m gonna grab a synthesizer.

Cecily: Oh! Should we?

Kate: No, you don’t have to do that. You can just sing it normal.

Cecily: Well, yeah. But we brought it.

Brad: It’s right behind the couch. It’s not a big issue.

Jen: It is.

Brad: Yeah.

[Jen passes the synthesizer to Brad.]

Cecily: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just–

Brad: So, what are you–

Cecily: Alright, you wanna do the– you do that–

Brad: I’ll do that thing.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad: Okay, so, five, six, seven…

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

Cecily: That’s right, Jie. Run to your work. Avoid your feelings. Just leave me behind without saying goodbye.

Brad: I didn’t think you cared to hear me.

Cecily: Didn’t think I care to hear it? Or didn’t have the nerve so say it to my face?

[Others are watching them with interest]

Brad: [singing] You know exactly what you mean to me

Cecily: I don’t, Joe. [Cecily and Brad stand] [ ] You keep everything up inside

Brad: That’s how my mind works flow
I said that when we met

Cecily: You guys, you know what it is yet?

Brad: Yeah. Nobody is guessing.

Cecily: Come on, it’s obvious.

[Others are now confused]

Kenan: This is a theme song from a show?

Beck: Is it Friends?

Brad: You’ll get it. Let’s keep going.

Cecily: Okay, okay.

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.] [Cecily and Brad start walking around]

Cecily: Dammit, Joe! Look at what’s happened to us. [singing] I’m leaving coz it will never change

Brad: Your expectations are too big

Cecily: I respect myself to much
to love someone who never loved me back

Brad: You know that’s not true

Kate: We don’t know this.

[Cecily and Brad walk to the window and stare outside singing.]

Cecily: [singing] You cannot handle us, Joe
You can only handle you

Brad: Then I guess there’s nothing left

Cecily and Brad: Think it’s goodbye. 

Brad: I warned you this would happen! [Brad punches and breaks the window in front of him]

Kate: My god! Is that what we just saw? He just broke our window!

Beck: His hand is cut really bad.

Cecily: Here, here, Jen. Take over the Synth, okay? Just follow along.

Brad: We’ll take it from here.

[music playing]

Cecily: [singing] Give me your hand

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: You’re bleeding

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: Give me your hand, Joe
so I can wrap your wound

[Cecily tears the curtain of the window and wraps it on Brad’s wound.]

Kenan: Ay! Did she just rip our nice curtains?

Cecily: Does it hurt?

Brad: [singing] The pain was nothing compared to losing you

Cecily and Brad: I’m sorry if I hurt you
I only meant to love you

Beck: I have no idea what this is. Just grab their card.

[Kate pulls their card and looks at it]

Kate: It says Frasier.

Beck: You guys, it says Frasier!

Cecily: Yes!

Brad: That’s it!

Cecily: Well done.

Brad: You got it. Well done.

Kenan: Well, now hang on. Isn’t Frasier more like,  [singing] “say, say, baby, I hear the blues are calling
toss salad and scrambled eggs”

Cecily: No, no. Frasier is…

Cecily and Brad: [singing] I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to love you

Kate: That’s not Frasier.

Cecily: Yea. Yea, it is. It’s the broadway musical about Joe Frazier, the boxer.

Brad: The boxer. And his wife Florence Smith.

Jen: What?

Cecily: Yeah! Guys, it was written by Bradsky brother and his partner just right before they broke up. Hey, so we go again, right? Coz we got it?

Brad: Well, let’s see.

Cecily: Alright, here. You do it. [Cecily pulls a card and gives it to Brad]

Brad: Um, oh! ‘Caroline in the City’.

Kenan: Well, you just said it.

[Cecily pulls the synthesizer]

Cecily: Well, well, that’s alright. We can still do it, right? [Cecily starts playing synthesizer]

Cecily and Brad: [singing] Caroline mama’s drinking again

Kenan: I know what it is.

Jen: Oh, yeah.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides] [Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited] [Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.] [Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy] [Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room] [cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing] [All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad] [space ship landing sound] [Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building] [Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out] [Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Cut for Time: Chad’s Journey | Season 44 Episode 19

Chad… Pete Davidson

Angel… Mikey Day

Brad… Adam Sandler

Doctor… Heidi Gardner

Assistant… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Chad puts a fork on a plate of his foot. Then he puts it into he micro-oven and turns it on. He starts using his phone. There’s an explosion in his house.] [Cut to Chad is over the skies and clouds] [An angel appears]

Angel: Hello Chad. Welcome to the afterlife. I’m afraid to say you have died.

Chad: Okay.

Angel: Chad. You were taken too soon. Which means you have a choice to make. Go that way and you will return to the realm of the living.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and heads that way]

Angel: Wait, Chad!

[Cut TO Chad IS getting AED shock. Chad wakes up.] [Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: We got a pulse.

Assistant: Welcome back kid.

[Cut to the angel, Chad, Heidi and Kenan]

Angel: Chad, we’re not quite done.

[Angel takes the soul out of Chad. Chad dies again.]

Doctor: Damn it!

[Cut to a person standing on a mystic place]

Angel: Before you stands someone you wanted to meet your entire life.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Chad: Thanos?

Angel: No, not Thanos.

Chad: Machine Gun Kelly?

Angel: Chad! Let me finish. This is someone who dies before you were born. [Cut to Brad, turning behind slowly. He has a baseball and a glove] Chad, this is your father.

[Cut to Chad and angel]

Chad: What up?

Angel: And Brad, this is your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Okay, cool.

[Cut to angel and Chad. Angel hands Chad a baseball glove]

Angel: I’ll leave you. I think you two have some catching up to do. And remember–

[Cut to Brad] Brad: Catch!

[Brad throws the ball. The ball hit’s Chad’s face and he falls down.] [Cut to angel] Angel: He wasn’t ready Brad!

[Cut to Brad] Brad: My bad.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Angel: Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yes, it’s all good.

Angel: You need to wait until he’s ready. Everything you always wanted to say to each other, now is the time.

[Cut to Chad. He is looking at the ball] [Cut to Brad, he waves his gloves.] [Cut to angel, he nods his head] [Chad throws the ball. The ball goes somewhere else.] [Cut to Brad]

Brad: I’ll get it.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Brad! [Cut to Brad]Brad!

[Cut to Brad looking for ball inside the bush] Brad: What’s up?

[Cut to angel] Angel: Come, be with your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: But the ball?

[Cut to angel] Angel: It doesn’t matter. The ball’s deep in the bushes. Forget.

[Cut to split screen of Chad and Brad]

Chad and Brad: Ball’s deep in the bush?

[Cut to angel]

Angel: The game of catch was just a means for Chad to find closure so he can return to earth and live his life to the fullest.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: It’s just, the ball is not mine.

Angel: It’s fine. Your son is wait– where did he go? Chad!

[Cut to Brad in the bushes] Chad: What up? [Chad also comes out of the bushes]

Angel: Don’t worry about looking for the ball.

Chad: Oh, I was taking a piss.

[Cut to angel] Angel: Of course, you were. Okay guys, just, both of you come here.

[Cut to Chad and Brad coming out of the bushes] [Cut to angel, Chad and Brad]

Angel: Chad, this is the man you have wondered about your entire life. Do you have anything to say to him?

[Cut to Chad] Chad: I’m good.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: All right, let’s try this. Brad, do you have anything to ask [Cut to Brad] your son?

Brad: You got a big dick?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no doubt.

[Cut to Brad] Brad: Hell, yeah!

[Brad and Chad shake their hands] [Cut to angel]

Angel: Well, that’s going to have to do. All right, go forth Chad into the light and live your life in new.

[Cut to Chad] Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks to the light] [Cut to Brad watching him leave] [Cut to Chad turning around to look at Brad] [Chad farts]

Chad: Safety!

[Cut to Brad nodding his head] [Cut to Chad walks through] [Cut to the doctor covering Chad’s body]

Assistant: You did everything you could.

[Chad wakes up]

Chad: What up?

Assistant: Oh shit!

[Assistant punches Chad and knocks him out]

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss] [Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss] [Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]