Tag: Brad

Cut for Time: Chad’s Journey | Season 44 Episode 19

Chad… Pete Davidson

Angel… Mikey Day

Brad… Adam Sandler

Doctor… Heidi Gardner

Assistant… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Chad puts a fork on a plate of his foot. Then he puts it into he micro-oven and turns it on. He starts using his phone. There’s an explosion in his house.] [Cut to Chad is over the skies and clouds] [An angel appears]

Angel: Hello Chad. Welcome to the afterlife. I’m afraid to say you have died.

Chad: Okay.

Angel: Chad. You were taken too soon. Which means you have a choice to make. Go that way and you will return to the realm of the living.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and heads that way]

Angel: Wait, Chad!

[Cut TO Chad IS getting AED shock. Chad wakes up.] [Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: We got a pulse.

Assistant: Welcome back kid.

[Cut to the angel, Chad, Heidi and Kenan]

Angel: Chad, we’re not quite done.

[Angel takes the soul out of Chad. Chad dies again.]

Doctor: Damn it!

[Cut to a person standing on a mystic place]

Angel: Before you stands someone you wanted to meet your entire life.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Chad: Thanos?

Angel: No, not Thanos.

Chad: Machine Gun Kelly?

Angel: Chad! Let me finish. This is someone who dies before you were born. [Cut to Brad, turning behind slowly. He has a baseball and a glove] Chad, this is your father.

[Cut to Chad and angel]

Chad: What up?

Angel: And Brad, this is your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Okay, cool.

[Cut to angel and Chad. Angel hands Chad a baseball glove]

Angel: I’ll leave you. I think you two have some catching up to do. And remember–

[Cut to Brad] Brad: Catch!

[Brad throws the ball. The ball hit’s Chad’s face and he falls down.] [Cut to angel] Angel: He wasn’t ready Brad!

[Cut to Brad] Brad: My bad.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Angel: Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yes, it’s all good.

Angel: You need to wait until he’s ready. Everything you always wanted to say to each other, now is the time.

[Cut to Chad. He is looking at the ball] [Cut to Brad, he waves his gloves.] [Cut to angel, he nods his head] [Chad throws the ball. The ball goes somewhere else.] [Cut to Brad]

Brad: I’ll get it.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Brad! [Cut to Brad]Brad!

[Cut to Brad looking for ball inside the bush] Brad: What’s up?

[Cut to angel] Angel: Come, be with your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: But the ball?

[Cut to angel] Angel: It doesn’t matter. The ball’s deep in the bushes. Forget.

[Cut to split screen of Chad and Brad]

Chad and Brad: Ball’s deep in the bush?

[Cut to angel]

Angel: The game of catch was just a means for Chad to find closure so he can return to earth and live his life to the fullest.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: It’s just, the ball is not mine.

Angel: It’s fine. Your son is wait– where did he go? Chad!

[Cut to Brad in the bushes] Chad: What up? [Chad also comes out of the bushes]

Angel: Don’t worry about looking for the ball.

Chad: Oh, I was taking a piss.

[Cut to angel] Angel: Of course, you were. Okay guys, just, both of you come here.

[Cut to Chad and Brad coming out of the bushes] [Cut to angel, Chad and Brad]

Angel: Chad, this is the man you have wondered about your entire life. Do you have anything to say to him?

[Cut to Chad] Chad: I’m good.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: All right, let’s try this. Brad, do you have anything to ask [Cut to Brad] your son?

Brad: You got a big dick?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no doubt.

[Cut to Brad] Brad: Hell, yeah!

[Brad and Chad shake their hands] [Cut to angel]

Angel: Well, that’s going to have to do. All right, go forth Chad into the light and live your life in new.

[Cut to Chad] Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks to the light] [Cut to Brad watching him leave] [Cut to Chad turning around to look at Brad] [Chad farts]

Chad: Safety!

[Cut to Brad nodding his head] [Cut to Chad walks through] [Cut to the doctor covering Chad’s body]

Assistant: You did everything you could.

[Chad wakes up]

Chad: What up?

Assistant: Oh shit!

[Assistant punches Chad and knocks him out]

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss] [Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss] [Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]