Brad… Mikey Day
Lexi… Cecily Strong
Tobi… Rami Malek[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]
Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.
Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.
Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?
Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.[Lexi and Rami walk in]
Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.
Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.
Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.
Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.
Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.
Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.
Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.
Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.
Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.
Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”
Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.
Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.
Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.
Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.
Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.
Melissa: Oh, okay.
Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.
Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.
Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.
Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.
Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.
Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?
Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.
Lexi: It really hurt him.
Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.
Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.
Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.
Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.
Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?
Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.
Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]
Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?
Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.
Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.
Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.
Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]
Brad: Oh my god!
Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.
Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.
Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.
Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…
Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!
Brad: Alright. Please leave.
Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?
Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?
Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.
Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.
Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.
Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.
Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.
Brad: What do you mean two days from now?
Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.
Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?
Lexi: From Instagram.
Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.
Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.
Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?
Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.
Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.
Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.
Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.
Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.
Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.
Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.
Lexi: Thank you.
Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.
Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.
Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]
Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.
Rami: We’re so bad at this.
Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.