Will Forte Returns Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte.

[Will Forte walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Will Forte: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting SNL. I was in a cast 12 years ago with
Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. So, it was really fun to see Kristen host. Then Bill. Then, Andy. Then Fred. Then Kristen again. Then Bill again. Then Jason. Seth Meyers. I mean, he’s one of my best buds, but you know, come on. He wasn’t really a sketch guy. He was just on Weekend Update. It doesn’t even count as being on the show? But he hosted, right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast, and then he hosted… four times! Four times. But hey, that’s okay. You know. I’m not bitter about it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m not. Save the best for last, right? Save the best for way last.

But look after 12 long years, tonight it’s finally my turn. My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

[Kristen Wiig walks in]

Are you serious? Kristen. Hey! Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Will. I am so excited you’re hosting?

Will Forte: Not a good time.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, yeah.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, good to see you. Bye-bye.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, so I should go?

Will Forte: Yeah, I think so.

Kristen Wiig: You know, I flew in for this.

Will Forte: Oh, great. So, you know where the airport is?

Kristen Wiig: Alright, well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

[Kristen Wiig walks out]

Will Forte: Alright. I don’t love that she got more applause than when I came out. You know, I came out once when she was hosting, and I did something in her monologue. But I was polite enough to get less applause than her. Yeah. But look, my point is maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host. Maybe it wanted me to wait until MacGruber The series was streaming on Peacock. And speaking of MacGruber, I would like to officially announce the MacGruber has been picked up for season two. [cheers and applause] I would like to announce that. But it hasn’t been picked up yet, so I can’t. We’re waiting to hear. But I can announce that you’re in great hands tonight. You know. Strong, veiny, comedy hands. And look, if I could just take a serious moment, I’d like to say how much this show has meant to me. I started my career here. And they’ve always supported me.

[music starts playing in the backbround]

And wait a second. Are they playing me off? Are you are you playing me off in my own monologue? I waited 12 freakin years for this. I mean, have you seen some of the idiots they’ve had host the show since then. Kristin, Phil, Andy, Fred. Alright, fine. I’ll take one question you sir.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels in the audience]

Lorne Michaels: I’m so sorry Will. There’s been a mistake.

[Willem Dafoe walks in]

Willem Dafoe: Hey!

Will Forte: Wait. Willem Dafoe? You’re hosting next week.

Willem Dafoe: I’m pretty sure it’s this week.

Lorne Michaels: You think I would book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Will Forte: My god, this is not happening. But you texted me to come host, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels:I texted Willem and you know, autocorrect.

Will Forte:  Alright, fine, then, you know let’s have the fans decide once and for all.

[The poll “who should host?” appears on the screen. Willem Dafoe – 40%. Kristen Wiig – 40%. Maneskin – 10%. Will Forte – 5%. Abandon show, bring back Tom Hanks – 5%.]

Will Forte: Oh my god. 5%. Oh, I guess people do love me. Alright, we have a great show. I’m here. Maneskin is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

Weekend Update- Melania’s Christmas Decorations, Hamilton Returns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.

Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.

[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.

[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]

Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger] [Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Poland at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.