Tag: NBA

Weekend Update- Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly’s Prison Sentences, NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]

Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.

[picture changes to an alligator]

A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!

Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]

Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.

The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]

Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]

Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.

A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.

Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.

ESPNs First Take NBA

Molly Coram… Chloe

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson

Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne

[Starts with four people on First Take set]

Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith

Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.

Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.

Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.

Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.

Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.

Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?

Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.

Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.

Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?

Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.

Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.

Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.

Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.

Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.

Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.

Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.

Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.

Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.

Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.

Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?

Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.

Stephen: Oh come on.

Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro]

[cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.