Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]
Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]
Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.[picture changes to an alligator]
A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]
Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]
Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!
Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]
Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]
Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.
The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]
Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]
Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.
A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.
Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.