NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro] [cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro] [Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set] [cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!