Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett
Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan
Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson
Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam
Steve… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set] [cheers and applause]
Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.[Cut to all]
Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.[Cut to Ernie]
Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.[Cut to Mike in a press conference]
Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.[Cut to the press being shocked.]
Kyle: Is he hurt?
Pete: Is he sick
Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?[Cut to Mike]
Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?[Steve walks in with a basketball.]
Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?
Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.
Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.
Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?
Mike: Absolutely not.
Steve: No way.
Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.
Steve: Yeah, we ballin’![Steve loses the ball from his hand] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]
Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.[Cut to Kenny]
Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.[Cut to Ernie]
Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?[Cut to Charles]
Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.[Cut to Kenny]
Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on![Cut to Charles]
Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]
Come on, man!
Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…
Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!