Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife

I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side

they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Cockpit

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

Sully: Hero of the Hudson.

Hubbard: Weather in Seattle is 77 degrees. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Sully: Brace for impact. Just kidding.

[Hubbard is annoyed]

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I know Ellen.

Hubbard: What?

Sully: Degeneres. Sweet gal. Funny.

Hubbard: Cool.

Sully: It is.

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: Have you seen Sully?

Hubbard: I have not.

Sully: Oh, it’s about me.

Hubbard: Is that right?

Sully: Yep. [showing Hubbard his watch] Apple watch. Free. They just sent it to me. I mean, I don’t care about this kind of stuff. Do you have one?

Hubbard: Um, I don’t.

Sully: Hah!

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit. Air hostess walks in with 4 and Vanessa.]

Air Hostess: Excuse me fellas, this kid wants to meet his hero in the cockpit. I said you two wouldn’t mind.

Sully: No, no. Of course now. Come on in buddy.

Vanessa: Um, captain Hubbard, we heard you’re a veteran. You served in desert storm?

Hubbard: I did.

Vanessa: Go ahead, Dani.

Dani: Thank you for your service.

Hubbard: Well, thank you for being such a nice young man.

Sully: I’m Sully.

Vanessa: What?

Sully: Oh, oh. Okay, I see. He was in the army. Oh, quick, get this guy on Camel.

[Cut to flying plane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I’m gonna go 30.

Hubbard: Um, the wind’s out of the south-west. I think we better do 35.

Sully: Ah-ah! I think 30 is good.

Hubbard: Hey, man. Do you have some kind of problem with me?

Sully: No. I think you’re great. [pointing away] Hey, what is the vlearn selector there?

Hubbard: Let me see. [Hubbard looks away.]

[Sully turns both the yokes to the left. Alarm is ringing.]

Sully: [acting like he got it on control] I got her. I got her. Good thing I was here.

Hubbard: Folks, I’m captain. I’m sorry about that.

Sully: Sully saved everyone.

Hubbard: Just some accidental turrulance.

Sully: Yes, Sully did it again.

Hubbard: Seat belt sign is on.

Sully: We are headed for the Hudson.

Hubbard: No we’re not. Please remain seated.

Sully: We are going down.

Hubbard: We’re fine.

Sully: We just hit bird.

Hubbard: No we didn’t.

Sully: I’m turning on the APU.

[The End]