Tag: Dani

Cockpit

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

Sully: Hero of the Hudson.

Hubbard: Weather in Seattle is 77 degrees. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Sully: Brace for impact. Just kidding.

[Hubbard is annoyed]

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I know Ellen.

Hubbard: What?

Sully: Degeneres. Sweet gal. Funny.

Hubbard: Cool.

Sully: It is.

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: Have you seen Sully?

Hubbard: I have not.

Sully: Oh, it’s about me.

Hubbard: Is that right?

Sully: Yep. [showing Hubbard his watch] Apple watch. Free. They just sent it to me. I mean, I don’t care about this kind of stuff. Do you have one?

Hubbard: Um, I don’t.

Sully: Hah!

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit. Air hostess walks in with 4 and Vanessa.]

Air Hostess: Excuse me fellas, this kid wants to meet his hero in the cockpit. I said you two wouldn’t mind.

Sully: No, no. Of course now. Come on in buddy.

Vanessa: Um, captain Hubbard, we heard you’re a veteran. You served in desert storm?

Hubbard: I did.

Vanessa: Go ahead, Dani.

Dani: Thank you for your service.

Hubbard: Well, thank you for being such a nice young man.

Sully: I’m Sully.

Vanessa: What?

Sully: Oh, oh. Okay, I see. He was in the army. Oh, quick, get this guy on Camel.

[Cut to flying plane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I’m gonna go 30.

Hubbard: Um, the wind’s out of the south-west. I think we better do 35.

Sully: Ah-ah! I think 30 is good.

Hubbard: Hey, man. Do you have some kind of problem with me?

Sully: No. I think you’re great. [pointing away] Hey, what is the vlearn selector there?

Hubbard: Let me see. [Hubbard looks away.]

[Sully turns both the yokes to the left. Alarm is ringing.]

Sully: [acting like he got it on control] I got her. I got her. Good thing I was here.

Hubbard: Folks, I’m captain. I’m sorry about that.

Sully: Sully saved everyone.

Hubbard: Just some accidental turrulance.

Sully: Yes, Sully did it again.

Hubbard: Seat belt sign is on.

Sully: We are headed for the Hudson.

Hubbard: No we’re not. Please remain seated.

Sully: We are going down.

Hubbard: We’re fine.

Sully: We just hit bird.

Hubbard: No we didn’t.

Sully: I’m turning on the APU.

[The End]

Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office]

[Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.