Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.
The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.