Weekend Update- Marcello Hernández on Being a Short King

Colin Jost

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.

Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.

Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?

Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?

Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.

Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.

Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.

Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.

Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.

Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.

Colin Jost: We’re friendly.

Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-

Colin Jost: Stop saying us.

Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.

Colin Jost: No.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.

Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.

Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Why not?

Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.

Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.

Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause] [cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Three Daughters

Prince Andaman… Mikey Day

King… Kenan Thompson

Lucilia… Ego Nwodim

Regalia… Selena Gomez

Blondelia… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a story book opening]

Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.

[Cut to the prince visiting the king]

King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.

Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.

King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.

Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

King: Bring out my daughter’s please.

[Three daughters walk in]

Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.

King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.

Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.

Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.

King: My second daughter, Regalia.

Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.

Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?

King: And my third daughter Blondelia.

Blondelia: Hello.

Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?

Blondelia: Nice to meet you.

Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.

King: Is everything all right?

Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.

King: I take great offense.

Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.

King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.

Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.

Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?

King: What are you on about?

Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.

Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.

King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.

Lucilia: Little cakes.

Regalia: Strawberries.

Blondelia: Muffins.

Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?

Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.

Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.

King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?

Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.

[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]

Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?

[Regalia laughs weirdly]

Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.

[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man] [Blondelia laughs unnaturally]

Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.

King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.

Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?

King: It’s just too late.

Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.

[The princesses start crying]

Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.

Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.

Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.

Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.

Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.

King: But isn’t that love, young man?

Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.

King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.

Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.

Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.

Sisters: Goodbye.

[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]

Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.

Regina King Monologue

Regina King

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regina King.

[Regina King walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regina King: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow. Happy Valentine’s day everybody. I can’t believe I am actually here hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember watching Eddy Murphy on this show when I was a little kid and thinking, “Wow, some day I’m going to be on that stage.” Then he left and I was like, “Umm, I’m good.” I’m kidding. It’s such an honor to be here.

I had a pretty wild career. If you’re black, you probably know me from being in some of your favorite movies and if you’re white, you probably know me from “Watchmen” or this monologue right now. And I’m not complaining. I kind of like it that way. Whenever black fame gets too crazy for me, I just go to the nearest white town and I’m a regular old suspecious shopper again.

Okay, I’m trying to play it cool right now but I’m actually nervous. I asked Lorn what to do if I get scared while I’m out here and he said, “Don’t panic. When in doubt, play the race card.” Then he did a little shoulder shimmy and moon-walked out of my dressing room. He’s an interesting guy.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Hey, Regina. Welcome.

Regina King: Hey, Kenan. What are you doing out here?

Kenan: I just wanted to tell you again how excited we are to have you hosting.

Regina King: Aw, so sweet. Are you dressed like that fora sketch?

Kenan: I dress like a who or what now?

Regina King: Oh. Never mind. But I’m glad you’re here because I’m actually kind of nervous.

Kenan: Look, trust me. You got nothing to worry about. And this show has been on the air for like, I don’t know, 20 years? It’s a well-oiled machine, just like the ‘Hindenburg’.

Regina King: Okay. Well, could you stay up here with me while I finish my monologue for support?

Kenan: Oh, say less, girl. I got you. I’m right here.

Regina King: Thank you. I feel better already. Alright, let me start again. It’s great to be in New York city.

Kenan: [pulls out a mic] Yeah, yeah. Regina King is in the house, New York city, make some noise?

[cheers and applause]

Hey, my dude. Hey, my dude right here. You ain’t making enough noise. She won an Oscar, dog!

Regina King: Hey, Kenan, what are you doing?

Kenan: I’m sorry. You know, I’m just keeping it high for you. Continue.

Regina King: Alright, anyway, okay. It’s been a crazy year. I directed a movie called “One Night in Miami”.

Kenan: You better recognize. She got nominated for Golden Gli-sove, baby!

Regina King: Thank you. It’s about a historic night which Luke, Rick Ross, Trick Daddy and Pit Boy dinnered at a waffle house together.

Kenan: [yelling] Did y’all hear that? My girl is up here killing it. Y’all better make some noise for that. [cheers and applause] Hey, my dude! You still ain’t clapping loud enough, mite.

Regina King: Kenan! Kenan!

Kenan: Is that too much?

Regina King: Yeah. Way too much. I’m a trained actor and I don’t need all that. Plus, you’re scaring this guy.

Kenan: That’s my bad. It’s your world, queen. But you better give it up or you’re going to get this kung-fu.

Regina King: Wait, wait. Slow down, turbo. I got this. Now I need all my ladies to say “Ah”.

Crowd: Ah.

Regina King: And all my fellows to say “Ho”.

Crowd: Ho.

Regina King: We got a great show for you tonight. Nathaniel Rateliff is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]

The Journey

King… Kenan Thompson

Kevin Hart

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of a burning castle.] [Cut to inside the castle.]

King: What is the word from the lower villages?

Kevin: There’s nothing left my lord. Just fires and ashes as far as the eye can see.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So it’s true that the dragon has returned.

[Cut to Sasheer and Taran]

Sasheer: May god watch over us.

Taran: What do you suggest we do, my lord?

[Cut to King and Kevin]

King: We need to find a new land. There’s nothing left for us here.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Indeed my lord. We must go. The dragon will return soon. There isn’t much time.

[Cut to everybody]

King: Very well. We must leave and never look back.

[music playing] [singing] This was our land

it gave us seed

it bore us fruit

so stand on knees

now we must move on

move away from this land

this land we love

Cecily: [singing] we worked this land

we tilled it’s wheat

Taran: [singing] The soil beneath our feet

Sasheer: [singing] Now we must move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Move away from this land

this land we love

[Cut to Kevin looking angry]

Kevin: Hey! Hey! What the hell was that?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King: We’re preparing ourselves to move away from here and on to a distant land.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, man! We don’t have time for that. We need to go out this door before this dragon comes and kill us.

[Cut to everybody. Kevin walks pass them.]

Let’s go.

King: Yes. We must make haste before the creature returns.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Exactly. Now, come on man, let’s go.

[Cut to everybody]

King: On to a new land.

[singing] This land we find–

Kevin: Wait! No!

King: It’ll be our land

Kevin: Ay, this is messed up, man!

Taran: We’ll travel across sea and sand

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna start packing for you guys.

[Kevin leaves] [Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, is this your shirt?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

Kevin: I’m just asking, is this anybody’s shirt right here?

Cecily: Move away from here

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay! Whose little pants are these? Are these my pants?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: This land we love.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: My bad! These are mine. I got them in black and brown. I remember. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna take everything. I’m going to put them in this bag and sort it out when we get there. [Cut to everybody] Okay? Cool. Let’s go.

Taran: Yes, we must come closer to our new homeland, with each step we take.

Kevin: Okay. [pointing at the door] Then can we take one step please? Come on, man! We gotta go. Let’s get out of here.

[dragon screaming.]

That was a dragon scream. My butt hole just got this tight. No, no, man! Listen. No more fooling around, okay? Lose the vocals, y’all! It’s time to go. Grab the great juice and let’s get to moving. [Kevin is pushing everybody towards the door.]

King: We’re ready. Lead the way!

King and Cecily: [singing] Open the door and lead us all

Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Then close the door after we go

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Shut up! Just shut up. Shut your mouth! You guys don’t get it, okay? Everybody outside of this window right here is dead. Do you wanna end up like them?

Taran: No! [Taran starts singing words]

Kevin: You are a loser! You hear me? A loser! You know what? Look at what’s going on out here. Look at this.

[Kevin opens the curtains of the window. Outside is a big dragon eye looking at them]

Ah! Ah!

Taran: Oh, I get it. The dragon. We should go.

Kevin: Finally, took you all day.

Leslie: Hey! [Cut to Leslie] Aren’t you forgetting something? Like, your wife?

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin: Oh, man! Not this!

Leslie: [singing] You leave me here

I’ll kick your ass

I’ll hunt you down

and well on your ass

Now, let’s move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer, Taran and Leslie: We must move on.

[Everybody is leaving]

Kevin: Oh, so now you all wanna move on coz she said something? That’s all that took? My wife to come out here?

The Group Hopper

Kyle Mooney

Thero… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

King… Bill Hader

[Starts with clips of a man breathing fast in a broken elevator.] [Slowly the ceiling opens. There are people looking down to you.] [Kyle jumps in]

Kyle: Hey, semi. Welcome to Gray World.

[Kyle gives Thero a bag] [Cut to Thero looking around. The place is surrounded by a wall.]

Male voice: This fall.

Thero: What is this place?

[Cut to Thero and Beck walking and looking at the wall]

It looks post-apocalyptic or something.

Beck: The metal fields. This is where the semi stayed where the groupers passed them on to the shorties for sorting.

Thero: What’s over those walls?

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Nothing much, except the death virus.

Male voice: From the director of Maze Runner. The producer of Divergent. And a casual fan of The Giver.

[Cut to Kyle following Thero in a field]

Kyle: Smooth move, kid. Showing up on category day! Now you’re gonna get put into category, no matter what. [Kyle throws a bag to Thero again]

Male voice: Adapted from YA novel, written entirely in the comment section of a Hunger Games trailer.

[Cut to Thero and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Who are you anyway?

Thero: My name’s Thero. I never met my parents but my name’s tattooed at my back.

[Thero opens his shirt.] [Cut to Beck walking to Thero]

Beck: Wait a second. That doesn’t say Thero.

Thero: What does it say?

Beck: The Hero.

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Destiny!

Male voice: A hero will rise.

[Cut to King speaking from above to all the people. He has his face painted like a lady.]

King: You are all the same. There’s nothing special or unique about any of you. And now, you’ll be put into groups.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: What does he mean, ‘groups’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There is the emotionals, the foodies, the acidics and gryffindor.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.

Sasheer: But you can’t. You were born as circumscriber and [Cut to Sasheer] and you always be.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: But what if I wasn’t.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You’re right. You’re not. [Cut to Thero and Sasheer holding hands.] And I love you.

Thero: Dope.

[Cut to King]

King: You’ll be given even dirtier clothes arranged in lines. And you must obey me. Because I am your king. Or queen. You’ll figure it out.

[Sound of a metal rod being dragged on a floor is coming while King is trying to move.] [King is struggling to move.] [The bodyguards try to help.]

I got it! I got it! Thank you.

[Cut to the people walking in the underground path with fire torches.]

Male voice: A system will fall.

Thero: We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Sasheer: Even if you made it through, you still have to survive the lurkies. And they are lurking everywhere.

Beck: And you can only kill a lurky with a zoomerang. [Cut to Beck] But, nobody’s seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Unrelated. Do you have any necklaces?

[Cut to everybody]

Thero: Just this one.

[Thero shows his necklace. It has a shape of boomerang.]

Sasheer: You’re the chosen one. And I’m a virgin pregnant with your baby.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Well, that sucks!

[Cut to King walking in his castle wit his bodyguards.]

King: Bring me the one they call Thero. Dead or alive. But preferably alive. Right? Boop!

[Cut to Kyle, Thero, Beck and Sasheer]

Beck: It’s still lurkies. Quick, let’s hide in the dream swamp.

Kyle: We can’t, swampsters!

Thero: Then we’ve only got one choice. [Showing his boomerang necklace] We fight!

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Zoomerang!

[Cut to the people running]

Male voice: On October Kyle0th, meet The Group Hopper.

Thero: We will not be categoried!

Male voice: Put him in a group and he’ll hop his ass right out.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Hey lurky! [Cut to a goat with a helmet on] It’s time to change the world.

[Thero throws the zoomerang at the lurky. The zoomerang just falls under the lurky, but it blasts when the lurky steps on it.] [Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: What?

Male voice: The Group Hopper. Rated G for asexual kissing.