Scattergories

Mr. K…Mikey Day

Mrs. K… Kate McKinnon

Steven… Daniel Kaluuya

Heidi Gardner

Mr. K: Well, great dinner, everybody.

Steven: Thanks for cooking again, Mrs. K.

Mrs. K: Well, thank you for bringing the wine. I love that it’s called Josh. It’s the nickname for wine.

Steven: Of course, ma’am. I’ve got to impress my girlfriend’s parents, right?

Mr. K: Oh, you always do. Well, you guys should head home or we could play a game.

Steven: I’ll be down to play a game.

Heidi: Yeah.

Mr. K: Okay. What do we have?

Mrs. K: We have Rummikub.

Steven: What’s a Rummikub?

Mrs. K: It combines elements of Mahjong and Rummi, and it’s really fun.

Heidi: Mom, that game is so boring. We’re never gonna wanna play that.

Mr. K: We got Scattergories.

Steven: I’m actually really good at that one. You guys bette watch out.

Heidi: That’s perfect.

Mrs. K: You know what? I might be too tired for a game other than Rummikub. I’m just going to clean up.

Mr. K: Okay.

Steven: Are you sure?

Mrs. K: Yeah. You got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. You guys have fun. [walks to the kitchen]

Mr. K: Okay. Well, we’re going to play. Okay, we are writing down words for each category that starts with– [rolling the die] You guys ready? ‘W’. And go.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

You okay, hun?

Mrs. K: Me? Yeah, just cleaning up.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Is she alright?

Heidi: Yes, she said she’s fine. Oh, man. W is hard.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Do you want some help?

Mrs. K: No. I’m fine.

Heidi: Time is almost up.

[Mrs. K is banging the dishwasher]

Mr. K: I’m trying to find the last couple of answers.

Heidi: It’s not latching.

Mr. K: My love?

Steven: And time!

Heidi: Mom, are you okay? Do you not want us to play this/

Mrs. K: No, I’m good. Just doing my thing.

Heidi: Okay, because the dishes are a little loud.

Mrs. K: Oh, well, I’m sorry. I’m do something else. No problem.

Heidi: Okay. Thanks, mom.

Mr. K: Thanks, hun.

Steven: What what do you guys have? Things in the sky? I had–

[Heidi turns on the vacuum cleaner. It’s very loud.]

I had weather.

Heidi: That’s good. I had ‘wet balloon’. It doesn’t count, right?

Mr. K: I had ‘Whooshing wind.’ Honey, why are you doing that?

Mrs. K: I saw sesame seed. They’re toxic to dogs.

Mr. K: Yeah. We don’t have a dog.

Mrs. K: Well, and this is why.

[turns off the vacuum cleaner]

Heidi: Mom, are you sure you don’t want to play with us? It’s fun. The category is ‘things in the sky’.

Mrs. K: Okay, birds.

Heidi: Oh, well, it has to be with ‘w’.

Mrs. K: [annoyed] I wasn’t told that.

Steven: Because the die said ‘w’.

Mrs. K: Are you done with that glass? [the glasses are full with wine, but she takes them all anyway]

Steven: Not really. But that’s fine.

Mr. K: Let’s do a new round. Get a new list. [Mrs. K starts drinking everybody’s drinks.] New letter is ‘m’. And go!

[Mrs. K turns on music very loud. She’s wearing a headphone.]

Steven: What song is this, Mrs. K?

Mrs. K: Oh, you can hear that? I’m wearing a headphone.

Heidi: Yeah, but you’re playing it from the speaker.

Mrs. K: Okay. Sorry about that.

Heidi: No problem.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. K: Oh! Sorry, I have to get this. This is important. [Mrs. K walks near everyone else in purpose answering the phone] Hello. Um-hmm. And how long does that offer last? And the figures in would arrive when? That’s a lot to think about. I will be in touch. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Heidi: Mom, this one’s easier if you want to try. It’s foods for lunch.

Mrs. K: Okay. Wonderbread.

Heidi: The letter is M now. [Mrs. K is angrier] But that was a really good answer.

[Mrs. K turns on the disposal. It’s very loud.]

Mr. K: What are you putting in the disposal, huh?

Mrs. K: Just pictures. [Mrs. K’s putting her family pictures into the disposal.]

Heidi: Okay, mom, what’s going on? Are you upset? Do you want to play something else?

Mrs. K: You know what I wanted to play.

Mr. K: Rummikub?

Mrs. K: Yes! Rummikub. Always Rummikub.

Mr. K: Sorry, hun. It just seemed like more people wanted to play Scattergories.

Mrs. K: None of you like what I like. Last year on my birthday, we watched Deadpool. You think I liked that? I have been trying to get you to sit here and watch ‘Chocolat’  since we bought this house.

Heidi: Oh, Steven and I just watched that.

Mrs. K: Oh my god!

Heidi: Sorry.

Mrs. K: I fed your snake ‘Feedle’ mice for 10 years after you went to college. I would go to ‘Petco’ and they would say, “The usual” and I would say, “Yes. Dead mice bag, please.” And you can’t even play a single fgame of Rummikub?

Steven: You had a snake?

Heidi: I did. Okay, mom, do you want to play Rummikub now?

Mrs. K: NO! Wait, yes.  Wait, no. I’m drunk. Ah! I’m sorry, I think had too much Josh.

[cut to the commercial. There’s Josh wine and there’s Rummikub.]

Male voice: Josh wine, the official wine of Rummikub.

Santa’s Village

Steven… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Elf… Kyle Mooney

Santa…Jason Bateman

Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]

Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.

Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.

Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?

Melissa: Wait, what is that?

[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]

Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?

[Daughter nods her head yes]

Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?

Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.

Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?

Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.

[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]

Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.

[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.

Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes

Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.

Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.

Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.

[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]

Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?

Santa: Off the base, baby!

Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?

Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.

Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.

Santa: Why would I think that?

Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.

Daughter: Is Santa okay?

Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.

Steven: And who’s John?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?

[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]

Santa: What happened?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa: Patrice?

Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.

Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.

Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.

Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.

Steven: No, no, no.

[Santa falls and rolls to them.]

Santa: Son of a–

Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?

Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.

Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.

Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.

Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?

Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.

Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.

Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.

[Santa’s nose is bloody]

Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.

Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.

Santa: You still think I look beautiful?

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.

Santa: Bless you.

Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.

Steven: She did? Where is she?

Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?

Melissa: Yeah.

Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.

Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.

[Mrs. Caluse rolls over Steven.]

Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.

[Santa rolls over Melissa.]

Papyrus

Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him] [Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car] [Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Tabitha | Season 44 Episode 8

Tabitha… Leslie Jones

Craig… Kenan Thompson

Lauren Hobbs… Rachel Brosnahan

Mary Butler… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Mikey Day

Steven… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tabitha show intro]

Narrator: It’s Tabitha.

[Cut to Tabitha in her set]

Tabitha: Welcome back. I have a big announcement. My book, [Tabitha takes her book out] “The Obedient Husband” just made the “New York Times” bestseller list. [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. This book has helped so many couples. I couldn’t have done it without my wonderful husband, Craig. Thank you baby.

[Cut to Craig sitting between the audience, quiet and smiling] [Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig is a great husband, but like all of us, he is not perfect. Before I was on TV, I was a life coach and a dog trainer. And one thing we emphasized in both dogs and husbands was communication. Let your spouse know when he’s doing something that you don’t like. Like the other day, I was annoyed after coming back from the grocery store. Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. There’s a bag wrapper on the floor] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Okay, I just got home and I see a bag of rolls on the floor. [Craig is sitting on a sofa. He’s quiet and guilty] Craig? Craig? Did you eat all the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Craig shakes his head gesturing no. He doesn’t speak a word.] Craig? Craig, I just bought these, Craig. [Craig looks away] Did you eat them? Craig! Craig! Craig, did you eat the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Tabitha takes the wrapper near Craig’s face] Craig. Look at me, Craig!

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig knew that was bad, right, Craig? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] See, this is all outlining chapter 5, The Power of Shame. Craig, remember when you had that football party? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. Their house is a mess after a party] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Oh, my god, look at this! What a mess! Who did this? [Craig is standing at the corner facing the wall] Craig! Craig, did you do this? Oh, my god. Craig. Craig. Craig. Did you have a party? [Craig shakes his head no] Craig, did you have a party here? What’s that on your face, Craig? What’s that on your face? [Craig hides his face behind the plant] Is that cheese doodle dust? Is that cheese doodle dust? I can see it, Craig.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Craig knew I was disappointed. Now, this technique has worked for hundreds of women and I brought two of them here today. Please welcome Lauren Hobbs and Mary Butler.

[Cut to the stage. Lauren and Mary walk in.]

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading my book.

Lauren Hobbs: Oh my god. [Cut to Lauren and Mary] I loved the book. It has improved my relationships so much.

Mary Butler: Mine, too. You’re amazing Tabatha.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: It’s not me. There are techniques that have worked for years for both husbands and dogs. Now Lauren, you have a boyfriend who just can’t grow up. He parties and stays out too late?

[Cut to Lauren Hobbs]

Lauren Hobbs: Well, I used to. Daniel and his friends would just go crazy, but with your techniques, they learn to respect my concerns. Look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Lauren’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of Daniel and Benjamin standing in the kitchen] [Lauren is talking to Daniel and Benjamin as if she’s talking to the dogs.]

Daniel, Benjamin, who drank too much and bought an Xbox on Amazon Prime? [Daniel and Benjamin keep quiet] Daniel. Benjamin. Well, I know it was somebody. Who bought it? [Benjamin raises and puts is hand on Daniel’s shoulder] Daniel, [Daniel looks down guilty] I’m very disappointed.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Great communication, Lauren.

Lauren Hobbs: OH well, and he has been careful with his online hopping ever since. Haven’t you, honey?

[Cut to Daniel in the audience. He’s nodding his head like a dog.] [Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: But I hear he hasn’t stopped the party.

Lauren Hobbs: Well, no, but we are working on that. [Cut to Lauren] I actually had to resort to your advanced shaming technique where I made a sign and took a picture of him next to it.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Hmm, let’s see that. [Cut to picture of Daniel with a sigh board that says “I hide meat in the couch.” (impression of a dog)] I hide meat in the couch.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren Hobbs: Yeah, he kept drinking late at night then bingeing on slices deli ham. But I never found the meat in the couch after that.

[Cut toTabitha]

Tabitha: Wonderful. And Mary? Your husband was being a little too secretive.

[Cut to Mary]

Mary Butler: Yeah, he was Tabitha, but using your techniques, I think helped both of us. Look at this.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Mary’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of confronting Steven about his hidden family photograph] [Lauren is talking to Steven as if she’s talking to a dog.]

Steven, I found this picture in your sock drawer. Is this your other family? Steven! [Steven is scared and does not make an eye contact] Did you leave town on business and start a secret family? Steven! Did you do that? Steven! Is that your baby? Oh, Steven!

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Oh, my god!

Mary Butler: Don’t worry, Steven says [Cut to Mary] it was all a misunderstanding. It’s all about communication, right?

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: Girl, I think you need more than communication problems. When we come back, I’ll show you what Craig did to the vacuum.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Lauren Hobbs: He has been so bad!

Tabitha: So bad.