Santa’s Village

Steven… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Elf… Kyle Mooney

Santa…Jason Bateman

Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]

Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.

Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.

Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?

Melissa: Wait, what is that?

[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]

Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?

[Daughter nods her head yes]

Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?

Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.

Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?

Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.

[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]

Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.

[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.

Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes

Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.

Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.

Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.

[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]

Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?

Santa: Off the base, baby!

Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?

Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.

Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.

Santa: Why would I think that?

Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.

Daughter: Is Santa okay?

Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.

Steven: And who’s John?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?

[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]

Santa: What happened?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa: Patrice?

Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.

Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.

Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.

Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.

Steven: No, no, no.

[Santa falls and rolls to them.]

Santa: Son of a–

Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?

Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.

Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.

Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.

Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?

Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.

Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.

Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.

[Santa’s nose is bloody]

Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.

Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.

Santa: You still think I look beautiful?

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.

Santa: Bless you.

Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.

Steven: She did? Where is she?

Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?

Melissa: Yeah.

Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.

Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.

[Mrs. Caluse rolls over Steven.]

Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.

[Santa rolls over Melissa.]

Weekend Update- The Village People on Donald Trump Using Their Music

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, if you’ve been watching the Trump rallies, you’ve probably noticed Trump dancing to the village people. If you haven’t, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump dancing during his rally.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Yeah, it’s wonderful. So, here now with a message in response to Donald Trump are the village people.

[music playing]

[Village people walk in to the set dancing]

Kenan: [singing] Stop it, yeah I’m talking to you
I said stop it, this is long over due
because we never said that we support you
you must pay us to use our songs

Donald, because of all your lies
we’re playing hardball and we got a surprise
he’s a lawyer who you might recognize
he is Alan Dershowitz
He’s gonna send you a cease and desist
get ready for a cease and desist
Alan knows where you been, yeah he knows what you’ve seen
on that island with Epstein

[Colin Jost stands]

Colin Jost: Hey, hey, hey. [music stops] Hold on. You can’t just say that.

Kenan: What? I mean, why? It’s just music, man. We’ll just sing it.

Colin Jost: No, because that’s a really serious allegation. Also, isn’t Alan Dershowitzz for Trump?

Kenan: Oh, he flipped.

Colin Jost: And do all of you feel the sam way about this? I mean you’re all from different walks of life, right?

All: Yes.

Kenan: I mean it’s kind of complicated. You see…

[music playing]

[singing] The soldier said that you let him down
and the gay man said you don’t want him around
and the native is sick with covid-Colin Jost9
only the construction workers still believes

[the construction worker with them is wearing a MAGA t-shirt]

Although he is only one man
he must comply with all of our demands
so we voted and came up with a plan,
we will strike at any moment
I promise you we will shave Ivanka’s head
you’re damn right we’re gonna shave Ivanka’s head
we’ll set up a fake salon, yeah it won’t be that hard
and she’ll look like a leprechaun

[Colin Jost stands again]

Colin Jost: Hey! Hey! Stop. Wait. You’re saying you’re going to shave Ivanka’s head? You can’t just say that. That’s gotta be a felony.

Kenan: Hey, man. Everything is legal if you sing it in a song.

Colin Jost: That’s not true. Village People everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.