Donald Trump… Taran Killam
Melania Trump… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Donald Trump and Melania Trump delivering Donald Trump’s message]
Male voice: And now, a message from Donald & Melania Trump.
[cheers and applause]
Donald Trump: Good evening. As the man who’s almost certainly the next president, I wanted to give you a chance to get to know the real Donald. Now, you’re probably looking at this lovely woman and thinking, “Whoa! Who’s this? Another bangable daughter?” Actually, it’s my beautiful wife Melania.
Melania Trump: Hello.
Donald Trump: She’s great. Just great.
Melania Trump: Welcome to our humble gold house.
Donald Trump: Not bad, right? I mean, talk about foreign policy experience, we got the same interior decorator as Sadam Hussain. Now, I asked Melania to be here tonight to help me clear up some of the lies that these losers and morons are saying about me. Like, that I hate women. How can I hate women when I’ve got the world’s greatest woman right here.
Melania Trump: [with Solvenian accent] Yes, Donald loves women, you know? He always saying, “That woman is knock-out. That woman is a 10. That woman used to be a 10, but hey, she’s still a 7.” You know? He always very supportive to me. Like, when I ask to go spa or go shopping, you know, he always say, “That’s fine. Go!”
Donald Trump: All of this stuff’s being blown out of proportion. I mean like, the Megyn Kelly stuff.
Melania Trump: Yes, people say he was not nice to her, but he was worried, you know? He said, “She’s bleeding everywhere. She needs to go to hospital.”
Donald Trump: That’s right. I was actually afraid she was gonna die. Honestly! I love Megyn Kelly. I love her. I think she is great. She is talented and beautiful, but she is a woman who is always on her period and I hate her and I hope she dies.
Melania Trump: You know, I think they always twist this words. Like, with immigration.
Donald Trump: Clearly, I don’t hate immigrants. [Donald Trump points at Melania Trump]
Melania Trump: Yes, I know he is pro-immigration because I was in Slovenia and Donald saw a picture of me in a magazine and he called me and said, “Hey, come to America.”
Donald Trump: It’s very true.
Melania Trump: And I said, “I can’t come, you crazy old man. I don’t have green card.” And he said, “Screw green card. That’s for poor people. Just get over here.” You know, he said, “What can they do? Round about the illegal immigrants and deport them? That’s impossible logistically. How are they gonna find everyone?”
Donald Trump: Well, we’ll find a way.
Melania Trump: You know, Donald is so smart, he is so good with the media, you know? He know that if he said craziest things, he will go up in the poll numbers.
Donald Trump: No, no. Come on, Melania. That’s just not true. I just say outrageous things just for poll numbers. I speak from my heart.
Melania Trump: Really? Okay, because I hear your numbers go down a little this week.
Donald Trump: Mexicans are stealing our children.
Melania Trump: You see? He does not even have to think about it. He’s genius.
Donald Trump: Thank you, darling.
Melania Trump: You know, that’s why I don’t know how critics say he has no ideas or plans because he has so many. Tell them your plans for economy.
Donald Trump: Well, it’s very simple. I get in there, taxes go down, everybody gets a job, salaries go way up, we build a wall, it’s huge! Over in China, they’re gonna say, “Now, that’s a wall!”
Melania Trump: You see, this is how I know Donald is so smart because I hear this and to me, it’s just jumble of words. Like, it makes no sense. But you know, I’m not smart like Donald. I didn’t go to Hogwart school of business.
Donald Trump: You wanna know my plan? Here’s my plan. I got the smartest guys. [pauses for a moment] So, what do you think? Are you ready to do this, America?
Melania Trump: Yes, please. Put Donald in the White House. You know, he is total package. He is strong–
Donald Trump: I didn’t ask you to say that.
Melania Trump: He is wise.
Donald Trump: This is all off the cuff.
Melania Trump: He is good in bed.
Donald Trump: Those are her words.
Melania Trump: You know, and he is the only man who can unite both sides.
Donald Trump: Aw!
Melania Trump: Because he’s running as republican but his ideas are actually more like democrats.
Donald Trump: That’s not really–
Melania Trump: Yeah! Actually, he was democrat before he was republican.
Donald Trump: I think we’re getting a little off topic.
Melania Trump: And then social issues, you know, you can be gay, you can have abortion, he don’t care.
Donald Trump: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bep-bep-bep! Look, here’s the bottom line, I’m just like you, a regular joke, but better. A man of the people.
Melania Trump: Yes. Like everyone else, he puts hair on one strain at a time.
Donald Trump: That’s right. Yeah, and like everybody, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!