Maria… Cecily Strong
Donald… Oscar Isaac
Kevin… Kenan Thompson
Deborah… Aidy Bryant
Lyle… Andrew Dismukes
Ego Nwodim
Bowen Yang
[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]
Maria: All right, everybody settled?
Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?
Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.
Donald: Please settle, please settle.
Kevin: We’re settled.
Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.
Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.
Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.
Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.
Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”
Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.
Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.
Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.
Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”
Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”
Ego: Please stop saying that.
Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.
Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.
Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?
Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.
Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?
Donald: Here’s the first one.
Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”
Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.
Maria: Wrong.
Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”
Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.
Donald: Sorry, no.
Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”
Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.
Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.
Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.
Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”
Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.
Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.
Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.
Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.
Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.
Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”
Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.
Donald: Actually, it’s fine.
Ego: Actually, it’s not.
Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.
Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?
Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.
Ego: That’s also inappropriate.
Donald: Not if she is my boss.
Lyle: Also, why all of these examples about the two of you?
Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.
Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?
Lyle: No one said that.
Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.
Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.
Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.
Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.
Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]
Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.
Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.
Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.
Maria: It could be way worse.
Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?
Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.
Ego: He has no idea what we do.
Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.
Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”
Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.
[Maria and Donald walk out]
[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]
Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?
All: Kevin!