Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wall Street Journal logo.]
The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges. And I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom. And I don’t like that he’s flanked by an O.J. amount of lawyers. Because that tells me he’s definitely guilty and that he’s definitely getting away with it. Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, aka Phony Soprano said that he doesn’t think Trump is gonna get a fair trial in Manhattan and I agree. I mean, even the courtroom sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. He had blended his foundation. He had stapled down his hair. But the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo.[[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]
Michael Che: After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-Lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama.
Insiders are saying that since Donald Trump’s indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.[Picture changes to Marjorie Taylor Green]
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene seen here shouting “Jump you coward,” visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say you forgot “rat infested.” Don’t ever forget our rats.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Clarence Thomas.]
Colin Jost: A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by Republican mega donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court with no questions asked. It was also revealed today that Harlan Crowe has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia including a copy of “Mein Kampf” signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads “Dear Harlan, big fan, – Adolf.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of two black men.]
Michael Che: Tennessee Republicans expelled to black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like but they were actually expelled because their skin is black.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron Desantis.]
Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say “Gay.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Jill Biden and King charles.]
Michael Che: President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that first lady Joe Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa women’s basketball team.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of King Charles.]
Colin Jost: King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave trading company. Yeah, it was called England.