Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]
Well, great news for conservatives, New York is finally cracking down on crime. Former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels. And the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I’m deeply ashamed that how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week but his lawyer Joe Tacopina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs. Though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t shirt.
When Trump surrenders New York City Police will take his official mug shot, which you know, is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I’m sure he’s hoping it’ll look cool, like Frank Sinatra’s, but I bet it’ll end up closer to Nick Nulty.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]
Michael Che: Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. Business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume that spirit Halloween.[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump’s indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]
Colin Jost: I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on CNN yesterday was “Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging impossible trial conviction of a former president.” A more accurate headline would be “Man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal.” At this point, it feels like even pro Trump people have moved on. I mean, I went down to the courthouse today and I was the only protester there.
Michael Che: I told them not to laugh at you.
Colin Jost: I was sure. Am i not miced? And then I was just like, “Oh, I just suck.”
Michael Che: Alright, moving right along.
Colin Jost: God!
Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene-
Colin Jost: You’re evil.
Michael Che: Plans to come to New York on Tuesday to protest Trump’s indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her Joker makeup. They’ll probably laugh at this next one.
Colin Jost: That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done. I’m covered in sweat. [cheers and applause] No, no. Don’t even dare. Don’t you even are try now.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who thinks he’s Gaston, but girl, you LeFou. Ran DeSantis- [laughing] I’m shaking. Ron DeSantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York unless of course he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]
Michael Che: In the wake of the Nashville shooting, President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or hear me out, stop and frisk for whites. How long before these kids aren’t a stereotype?
Colin Jost: Boo.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Ogles family holding guns.]
Congressman Andy Ogles who represents the district where the National Shooting to place is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, who are you psycho sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. All this card tells you is “I’m armed. I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Jamaal Bowman and Thomas Massie.]
Michael Che: Democratic Representative Jamaal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massie got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the GOP gutless coward for opposing gun control. Which is a cheap shot because if there’s one thing Republicans definitely have, it’s big old guts.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]
Colin Jost: Trump has also been promoting a song called ‘Justice For All’ which features himself and acquire men jailed for their roles in the January 6th attack. And I feel bad for the January 6 singers because jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you’re in an acapella group.