Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!

 

Angelo Wedding

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Bride… Cecily Strong

Groom… Alex Moffat

Meg… Sarah Sherman

Jake… Jerrod Carmichael

[stars with an announcer announcing the performer]

Announcer: Next up, we have a special treat, as a gift from the bride’s parents, they have booked her favorite artist, I can’t believeI get to say this. Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Cheers and applause]

[Angelo is sitting on a chair alone on a spotlight.]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Happy wedding. For all days.

[The bride is excited about the performer.]

Bride: Yes! Oh, my God, Angelo! He’s actually here!

Groom: Wait, what is this? Who’s Angelo?

Bride: He’s just my all time favorite. Angelo does covers of, like, any song you want and re-imagines it in the most beautiful and honestly enlightening way. Okay, shh. No, he’s starting.

Angelo: Love for this today in air. Always. Can I get one suggest?

Bride: Stevie, give him a song to play.

Groom: What? Oh, sweet. OK, uh, how about “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

Angelo: ♪S-Say, say it for me?

Groom: Yeah, uh, Brown-Eyed Girl.

[Now, Angelo is lying on the chair.]

Angelo: S-say it for me?

Groom: Brown-Eyed Girl.

Angelo: Brow for Ba-fa-ra-bas [gibberish].

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

Then I don’t like that

If I ever see it like this for me

Tonight

Thank you for this.

Bride: I mean… Okay, can you believe that? Angelo, bringing the house down at my wedding.

Groom: Oh, yeah. That didn’t sound like “Brown-Eyed Girl” though.

Bride: OK, oh, good one, sweetheart.

Angelo: I — Water for this — [clears throat]

[A weird looking girl walks to him with a glass of water]

Groom: Who is that?

Bride: What? That’s his assistant, Meg. She’s a billionaire.

[Meg is sprinkling water to Angelo with her fingers and Angelo is trying to get water using his tongue.]

Angelo: Another song for this to play.

Bride: Yes! Come on, Steve, do it, sweetheart. Let’s do something fun.

Groom: Okay, um, I guess Prince. Let’s do “1999”.

Angelo: Say for me?

Groom: Come on, man. “1999.”

Angelo: “2002.”

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

[Melodic gibberish]

If I ever see that for me, like this

tonight 

Thank you for this.

Bride: Oh, my God. God. Even, like, most people won’t even attempt to do a Prince cover.

Groom: Yeah, I’m not sure he did.

Angelo: Now because love and special for tonight, I bring drum here.

[5 walks in with a set of drum.]

Bride: No! Oh, my God, no — no way!

Groom: What? Who is that?

Bride: That’s Jake, the Pride of Ghana. He’s what vulture called “why the world fell in love with drums again.”

Groom: Jake? Why do they have such boring names.

Bride: Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, Steve?

Jake: For drums, I need song.

Angelo: For party, one suggest.

Groom: What is happening?

Bride: I’m sorry, do you even hear yourself? I’m sorry they’re not Bon Jovi, you ignorant himbo.

Groom: Himbo?! Okay. I’ll give them a song to play. “At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: S-Say for us?

“At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: [gibberish]

Angelo: Drums for this.

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: No, no, no, two drum hits? Bum-bum? Why is that good?

Bride: Bum-bum. Bum-bum, moron! It’s a heartbeat. The heartbeat of the people of Ghana.

Bride: What?

Jake: Another song for one.

Angelo: Yes. Do it for this.

Groom: Okay, you know what? I’ve obviously ruined everything, so let me try to make it up to you, okay, babe? Uh, it’s the song that we heard the night that we met. How about “I Got a Feeling?”

Jake: “I Got a Feeling.”

Angelo: Black-Eyed Pea-Pea.

Groom: Whoa, alright.

Angelo: [singing] I got a feeling

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Toooooooonight

Jake: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: Wow. Alright, that’s incredible. I get it now. I get it! Yeah.