Paul Rudd
Steve Martin
Candice Bergen
John Mulaney
Tina Fey
Elliott Gould
Conan O’Brian
[Starts with Paul Rudd, Steve Martin and Candice Bergen in a room wearing their five timers’ jackets]Steve Martin: Alright. Alright, everybody. Alright, Candice and Paul, how do we think this shows going so far and don’t be afraid to be brutal?
Paul Rudd: Well, not to be a total bitch. My five timer show in December was going to be a lot better. That is until the whole cast decided to call out sick.
Candice Bergen: They all had COVID.
Steve Martin: So, what? I have COVID right now. I got it from the Queen. Humble brag.
[John Mulaney walks in]John Mulaney: Hi, I think I’m supposed to be in here.
Steve Martin: Oh, Megan Mullaly.
Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five timers.
John Mulaney: Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing.
Candice Bergen: Well, congratulations, John. And let me be the first person to say. Who are you?
John Mulaney: Well, Candace, you wouldn’t know me but if you have a niece or a son who’s bad at sports, they might.
Paul Rudd: Oh, come on, he’s John Mulaney. Congrats, man. Tonight, it’s all about you. And me to a degree as well because my party was cancelled due to laziness.
John Mulaney: Wow. Well, I’m just happy that you’re here in my episode. And Paul Rudd exits.
Paul Rudd: That’s it?
[John Mulaney walks out]John Mulaney: Just reading. Sorry buddy. And Tina Fey enters.
[Tina Fey enters]Tina Fey: I love how us writers control. Everything was staged direction. And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip.
[James walks in with a drink and hands it over to Tina Fey]James: It’s James, Miss Fey.
Tina Fey: That’s what I said, Philip.
John Mulaney: What kind of drink is that?
Tina Fey: It’s the five timer fizz. It’s made with Justin Timberlake’s tequila, Dan Akroyd’s vodka and Tracy Morgan’s club soda, which is aquarium water.
John Mulaney: Gross. Dan Akroyd’s vodka? Listen. I have to say I had no idea people got treated this well. You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.
Tina Fey: Well, you were one of the best. You wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly.
John Mulaney: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Well, that’s all behind you. Tonight, you’re in the company of comedy legends and the sexiest man alive.
[Paul Rudd is reading a People’s magazine with his face on the cover page]Paul Rudd: This silly thing.
Steve Martin: Paul, that was so Steve Martin0Steve MartinPaul Rudd. I’m talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.
[Elliott Gould is sitting there on a sofa]Elliott Gould: Oh, hello
John Mulaney: Oh my god, Elliot.
Elliott Gould: Well, Paul may have People magazine, but I was named sexiest man alive by chest hair magazine.
John Mulaney: Hey Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom?
Elliott Gould: Should I?
Candice Bergen: But John, we have some business to discuss. The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire.
Steve Martin: Too bad. No one here is at retirement age.
John Mulaney: You are 76.
Steve Martin: But I have the child of a Candice Bergen8 year old. And we can’t get rid of Tina. She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.
Tina Fey: That’s true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can’t be Candice, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?
Candice Bergen: Oh, yeah, I mean those guys do really weird stuff.
Elliott Gould: I was fine with it.
John Mulaney: So, are you saying there’s no room for me?
Candice Bergen: Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. Does that make sense?
John Mulaney: Yeah. Yeah. So what you’re saying is–
Steve Martin: I think what we’re all trying to say is, this has become not special.
[Conan O’Brian walks in]Conan O’Brian: Did somebody say not special?
John Mulaney: Conan, what are you doing here?
Conan O’Brian: I’m just here to sign up for Peacock. It’s weird. They make you do it in person. Look, John, don’t listen to them. This is very, very special. I was in the very first five timers club special, club back specs thing. While I was a writer here.
Tina Fey: Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.
Conan O’Brian: Yeah. But you were on the show when you were writer. [yelling] So, shut up. John and I were never supposed to be on TV. We’re hideous. Right? Say it, John.
John Mulaney: I guess.
Conan O’Brian: We are. And we’re here and we’re taking what’s ours. And when it’s taken by their horns, it’s ours. The point is you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own TV show for decades.
John Mulaney: And what are you doing now?
Conan O’Brian: I have a podcast.
Steve Martin: Well, I never thought I’d say this but Conan has a point. Being in this club is pretty damn special.
Paul Rudd: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let’s give him his jacket.
Elliott Gould: All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.
Paul Rudd: Oh, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.
[Paul Rudd gives John Mulaney his jacket]John Mulaney: Guys, everyone. Thank you. This really does just mean the world to me.
Conan O’Brian: Yeah. And one more thing. Live from New York–
John Mulaney: No, Conan. We did that already.
Conan O’Brian: I’m doing it anyway. Live from New York. It’s Saturday night.