Weekend Update- Peppa Pig Fan Club President on the Show’s Gay Characters

Michael Che

Trish Dale… Sarah Shermon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce the same sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale.

Trish Dale: Hi Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Yes, I understand you’re pretty upset about this new addition to the show.

Trish Dale: Michael, I’m more than upset. I’m mad as H-E-single C-single K.

Michael Che: Wow, you spell it out. You spell out ‘heck’. Okay.

Trish Dale: Michael, you may think I’m overreacting. But parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.

Michael Che: Well, what are the characters like?

Trish Dale:  Well, it’s a polar bear girl with two daddies and one’s a doctor and one stays home and make spaghetti.

Michael Che: Well I think that actually sounds kind of cute.

Trish Dale: Yeah, it is. It is cute. Until they anally enter each other.

Michael Che: What?

Trish Dale: Come on, Michael. Sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti. But you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they’re anally entering each other. And one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes.

Michael Che: Trish, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the show.

Trish Dale: Oh, I know. They’re do something innocent like teach Peppa howto ride a bike.

Michael Che: Well, that’s nice.

Trish Dale: And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they’ll say, “You got this girl,” and then they go behind the bush and they’ll anally enter each other.

Michael Che: Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it’s just a part of life.

Trish Dale: It’s not a part of life. It hurts.

Michael Che: What does?

Trish Dale: I tried it. To find out if it hurts. And it hurts. And they’re polar bears so you know it’s like this big. Imagine that in you.

Michael Che: Trish, I think you need to calm down.

Trish Dale: I can’t. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, poppers and stickers. And there’s another episode where…

Michael Che: Trish please.

Trish Dale: And there’s another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one says, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and get our calculator.” But then they never come back. And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael?

Michael Che: Anally entering each other?

Trish Dale: Showering.

Michael Che: Oh, okay.

Trish Dale: To get ready to anally enter each other because of the whole process.

Michael Che: How do you know that?

Trish Dale: I googled it. I spent all day googling all this stuff because it’s sick.

Michael Che: Well then, don’t let your kids watch.

Trish Dale:  I don’t have kids… anymore.

Michael Che: Anymore?

Trish Dale: They grew up. And I don’t know where they are.

Michael Che: Trish, this is all in your head. The show will never show any of that.

Trish Dale: And that’s why I animated my own. so everyone can see exactly what I’m talking about.

Michael Che: Oh, the big one is the bottom. That’s good.

Trish Dale: Michael, that’s the twist.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt.

Trish Dale: Who are you?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. I actually watched the show and it’s two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.

Trish Dale: What? What is that? Now I have to google that?

Michael Che: No, no. It’s like… [whispering on Trish Dale’s ear]

Trish Dale: Oh. So it’s just mashing and mushing. Oh, that’s fine. I’ve done that. I’ll take your papers.

Michael Che: Trish Dale, everybody.

Trish Dale: I love you.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

FiveTimers Club

Paul Rudd

Steve Martin

Candice Bergen

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Elliott Gould

Conan O’Brian

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Steve Martin and Candice Bergen in a room wearing their five timers’ jackets]

Steve Martin: Alright. Alright, everybody. Alright, Candice and Paul, how do we think this shows going so far and don’t be afraid to be brutal?

Paul Rudd: Well, not to be a total bitch. My five timer show in December was going to be a lot better. That is until the whole cast decided to call out sick.

Candice Bergen: They all had COVID.

Steve Martin: So, what? I have COVID right now. I got it from the Queen. Humble brag.

[John Mulaney walks in]

John Mulaney: Hi, I think I’m supposed to be in here.

Steve Martin: Oh, Megan Mullaly.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five timers.

John Mulaney: Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing.

Candice Bergen: Well, congratulations, John. And let me be the first person to say. Who are you?

John Mulaney: Well, Candace, you wouldn’t know me but if you have a niece or a son who’s bad at sports, they might.

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on, he’s John Mulaney. Congrats, man. Tonight, it’s all about you. And me to a degree as well because my party was cancelled due to laziness.

John Mulaney: Wow. Well, I’m just happy that you’re here in my episode. And Paul Rudd exits.

Paul Rudd: That’s it?

[John Mulaney walks out]

John Mulaney: Just reading. Sorry buddy. And Tina Fey enters.

[Tina Fey enters]

Tina Fey: I love how us writers control. Everything was staged direction. And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip.

[James walks in with a drink and hands it over to Tina Fey]

James: It’s James, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: That’s what I said, Philip.

John Mulaney: What kind of drink is that?

Tina Fey: It’s the five timer fizz. It’s made with Justin Timberlake’s tequila, Dan Akroyd’s vodka and Tracy Morgan’s club soda, which is aquarium water.

John Mulaney: Gross. Dan Akroyd’s vodka? Listen. I have to say I had no idea people got treated this well. You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.

Tina Fey: Well, you were one of the best. You wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly.

John Mulaney: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s all behind you. Tonight, you’re in the company of comedy legends and the sexiest man alive.

[Paul Rudd is reading a People’s magazine with his face on the cover page]

Paul Rudd: This silly thing.

Steve Martin: Paul, that was so Steve Martin0Steve MartinPaul Rudd. I’m talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.

[Elliott Gould is sitting there on a sofa]

Elliott Gould: Oh, hello

John Mulaney: Oh my god, Elliot.

Elliott Gould: Well, Paul may have People magazine, but I was named sexiest man alive by chest hair magazine.

John Mulaney: Hey Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom?

Elliott Gould: Should I?

Candice Bergen: But John, we have some business to discuss. The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire.

Steve Martin: Too bad. No one here is at retirement age.

John Mulaney: You are 76.

Steve Martin: But I have the child of a Candice Bergen8 year old. And we can’t get rid of Tina. She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.

Tina Fey: That’s true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can’t be Candice, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?

Candice Bergen: Oh, yeah, I mean those guys do really weird stuff.

Elliott Gould: I was fine with it.

John Mulaney: So, are you saying there’s no room for me?

Candice Bergen: Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. Does that make sense?

John Mulaney: Yeah. Yeah. So what you’re saying is–

Steve Martin: I think what we’re all trying to say is, this has become not special.

[Conan O’Brian walks in]

Conan O’Brian: Did somebody say not special?

John Mulaney: Conan, what are you doing here?

Conan O’Brian: I’m just here to sign up for Peacock. It’s weird. They make you do it in person. Look, John, don’t listen to them. This is very, very special. I was in the very first five timers club special, club back specs thing. While I was a writer here.

Tina Fey: Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. But you were on the show when you were writer. [yelling] So, shut up. John and I were never supposed to be on TV. We’re hideous. Right? Say it, John.

John Mulaney: I guess.

Conan O’Brian: We are. And we’re here and we’re taking what’s ours. And when it’s taken by their horns, it’s ours. The point is you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own TV show for decades.

John Mulaney: And what are you doing now?

Conan O’Brian: I have a podcast.

Steve Martin: Well, I never thought I’d say this but Conan has a point. Being in this club is pretty damn special.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let’s give him his jacket.

Elliott Gould: All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.

Paul Rudd: Oh, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.

[Paul Rudd gives John Mulaney his jacket]

John Mulaney: Guys, everyone. Thank you. This really does just mean the world to me.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. And one more thing. Live from New York–

John Mulaney: No, Conan. We did that already.

Conan O’Brian: I’m doing it anyway. Live from New York. It’s Saturday night.