Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.] [singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.] [Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.] James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring] [Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing] [still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.