Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. I denounce anti semitism in all its forms and I stand with my friends and the Jewish community. And that, Kanye, is how you buy yourself some time.

I gotta tell you guys, I’ve probably been doing this 35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence. And those words are the and Jews. I never heard someone do good after they say that.

Kanye’s got into some scrapes before. Normally when he was in trouble, I pull up immediately. This time, I was like, “You know what? Let me see what’s gonna happen first.” I can’t remember how it started. Vaguely, I remember it started with a tweet. Strange tweet. It was like, “I’m feeling a little sleepy. I’ma get me some rest. But when I wake up, I’m gonna go DEF CON 3 on the Jews.” And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried, “What is he gonna do to the Jew?”

I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends. So I’m not freaked out by your culture. I know a little bit about it just from hanging around. “Yo, let’s go out at school tomorrow.” They were like, “We can’t go out, it’s Sha Na Na tomorrow.” I’m like, “What? What is Sha Na Na?” I had so many questions. “Why do some of you people dress like Run DMC?”

Kanye woke up from that night and went right to work. A year ago I’d seen him on a podcast called Drink Champs. Great show. And it was amazing appearance. Noriega and them were there, rappers that I loved, and they all had their gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said, “Only millionaires were chains.” They said, “What?” He said, “I’m a billionaire. Billionaires don’t wear their money on their body.” I took my chain and I said, “Oh snap.”

It was a good appearance. It was fun and funny.

When he woke up, he went on drink champs again. This time, he was on one. He was mad about something. He said, “I can say anti semitic things and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?” Adidas dropped him immediately. Ironically, Adidas was founded by Nazis, and they were offended against the students past the teacher. It’s a big deal. He broke show business rules. Because there’s a rule. You know, the rules of perception. If they’re black, then it’s a gang. If they’re Italian, it’s a mob. But if they’re Jewish, it’s a coincidence and you should never speak about it.

Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble. Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen on Amazon. No caption on the posts and nothing like that. But apparently this movie had some, I don’t know, anti semitic tropes or something. It was some weird title like “From Hebrew to Negro,” or something. And the NBA told him he should apologize. And he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands to get back in their good graces got longer and longer and this is where you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world, but you can’t blame that on black Americans. You just can’t. You know what I mean? Thanks the one person that said, “Who?” A fair punishment would be you just post a link to Schindler’s List and y’all read your own captions. Kyrie Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he’s not even certain it exists.

I saw one news spun and screaming about Kanye, she said “Mental health is no excuse for that type of language.” Yes it is bitch. You’d kill somebody if you’re mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don’t think Kanye is crazy at all. I think he’s possibly not well. I’ve been to Hollywood. I don’t want y’all to get mad at me, I’m just telling you. I’ve been to Hollywood. This is just what I saw. It’s a lot of juice. Like, a lot. But that don’t mean anything. You know what I mean? There’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn’t mean we run the place.

I can see if you had some kind of issue, you know what I mean,? You might go up to Hollywood and you might start connecting some kind of lines and you could maybe adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it’s a crazy thing to say out loud in a time like this.

Man, midterms over and it’s crazy climate. And I gotta tell you, I feel like this midterm, like all of humanity depends on it. And it’s an ominous sign. The most ominous sign of the midterms I believe would be Herschel Walker who I don’t want to speak badly because he’s black. But I have to admit, he’s observably stupid. Even when he’s not talking, his mouth be open a little bit like… He’s the kind of guy that looks like he thinks before he makes a move on tic tac toe. And I’m watching the news now, they’re declaring the end of the Trump era. Now, okay, I can see how in New York, you might believe this is the end of his era. I’m just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don’t understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day. He’s very loved. The reason he’s lived is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He’s what I call an honest liar. I’m not joking right now. He’s an honest liar. That first debate. That first debate, I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, “This whole system is rigged,” he said. And across the stage was white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting away looking at him like, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Now, wait a minute, bro. It’s what he said.” And the moderator said well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence? Remember what he said bro? He said, “I know the system is rigged because I use it.” I said, “God damn!” And then he pulled out Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine and did it right at the podium. No one had ever heard someone say something that true.

And then Hillary Clinton had to punch him in the tax. She said this man doesn’t pay his taxes. He shot right back, “That makes me smart.” And they said, “If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won’t. Because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.” And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, “We are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. Then he went right back in the house and started playing the game again.

Democrats are sore losers. I’m a Democrat. I’m telling you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that he’s colluding with Russia, he’s colluding with Russia. It was very embarrassing as a Democrat. But as time went on, we all came to learn he was probably colluding with Russia. I even look at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful, no question about it, but she looks like the kind of chick the James Bond would smash but not trust.

Why he got all them documents in his house? What is this? This guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings, now suddenly he got 10,000 documents in his house, gonna catch up on his reading list.

I’ve been fired from jobs many times in my life. And I will be very honest with you, sometimes I was fired I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. Do you know what I never stole from work? Work.

The war in Ukraine brought it all in focus. And lucky for everybody in the western world, the Ukrainians are way better fighters than we thought they’d be. They killed 10,000 Russians the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like, “God damn! Those are some good numbers.” This  is before they had weapons. Before we started sending them weapons, they were killing Reginald with things you can find around the house. That whole country Ukraine is littered with traps like Home Alone. They were stepping on rakes and touching hot doorknobs. Ah! How is Russia losing to the Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado.

Now the midterms are over and everybody’s awake, these new white are like, they’re like newborn babies. Just woke up. Everything white people are mad about, we’ve been on that. “Man, I can’t feed my family.” Black people like, “We’ve been on that.” “Man we can trust the government.” “We’ve been on that.” “Man we should dismantle the FBI.” “Word to Martin Luther King bro, we been on that.”

Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes, you ignore me. My first Netflix special, what did I say? I said, “I don’t want to sneakers deal because the minute I say something that makes those people mad, they’re gonna take my sneakers away.” And the whole crowds like, “Ha-ha-ha.” But now you see Kanye walking around LA barefoot with his chain out. This guy lost a billion and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars a day. I saw that, I said, “Put your chain on, nigga, welcome back.”

It shouldn’t be too scary to talk about anything. It’s make my job incredibly difficult. To be honest with you, I’m getting sick talking to crowd like this. I love you to death. Thank you for the support. And I hope they don’t take anything away from me. Whoever they are.

We got a great show tonight. Brooklyn’s finest Black Star is in the building.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell but all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather who apparently by all accounts was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was slave for 10 years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children and he learned how to read. He got an MA with education and dedicated his life to three things. Education, freedom of black people and Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut at AME church. There’s a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had. And I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me. Because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started filming a show that bears his name. “Chappelle Show”. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. Yeah. If he could see me now, he probably would be like, “This nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. But America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember when life was like before covid? I do. Some mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for covid. Someone had to lock these murderous whites up and keep them in the house.

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So, what I did was I did shows in my neighbor’s corn field. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? And the local farmers, my neighbors started to complain that my show were too noisy. At a corn field! Too noisy at a corn field. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a corn field. It was so embarrassing. And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough. They don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They’re probably at home like, “Hon, come quick. Come quick. The guy from the grocery store’s television.” No you big dummy. The guy from the television is at the grocery store. Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. Ever heard of that website, farmersonly.com? Website that begs the question ‘what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers’? That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting I was just listening. Man, you should have heard them talk about me. They were saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children in bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids were trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word..” I said, “Was I saying it or were you?” He had that twang in his voice. You know that twang when you hear that accent like, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”

I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing mask. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. Wear you Klan hood at Walmart so that we can all feel safe. State like Ohio for instance, right? People make more money from the stimulus checks than they do if they work. So, a lot of people don’t want to work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. [talking to an audience] You a black fellow. You young fellow though. You don’t know about Ronald Reagan. Remember Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, welfare people, drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, the heroin, and rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white niggas keep holding us back. Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s a it’s oppressive. Try wearing a mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people were the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites, come, hurry, quick. Come get your nigga lessons. You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together. It was just white people owning the club, dancing. You ever see that old footage? How did they look? [showing the dance move] You need some black guys to look at you like… [making weird face and shaking head no]

Now, Trump is gone. [cheers and applause] I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought that guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I was looking at it like, “Um, there’s bad people on both sides. Alright, just trying them out.” “Call the coronavirus the kung-fu.” I said, “You racist hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that. Not you. That’s wrong when you say it. So, I went on a press conference one time. Donald Trump is a wild guy. You ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “Uh, what about very powerful light directly in the body?” I said, “What? This man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane!” He went further. “Uh, put on some bleach. Bleach directly on your body.” “Oh, boy. Secret service is going to have to childproof the White House now. He’s trying to drink the bleach!” As president, “Don’t touch that stove. It’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house, Mr. President.”

Scariest part about that. When a leading virologist in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It’s crazy. Her face was looking like he might be right. She was like, [nodding head] “Umm.” I saw that. I said, “Ooh! That’s why… That’s why… That’s why women make half.” [audience laughing awkwardly] Did I trigger you? I don’t know what it is. Half? Maybe 70%. Whatever it is, it is too much. [audience laughing awkwardly] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a ‘woke’ meeting in here.

And after all that, you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t it something? When he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddy Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” This guy was running around like an outbreak monkey. He looked like a 1970s penis raw dogging earth. They actually made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.” Which is a ridiculous thing. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President.

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good healthcare plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. Right in his front yard, helicopter came. Remember that video where he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one to be around. Usually he’s walking with couple of bunch of other people. No one’s around this time because he had the rona. Had his mask on then, didn’t he. We was walking. Helicopter took him to Walter Reede hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you. Walter Reede is not close to the White House. But you could walk. Team of doctors is waiting for him. Doctors came around. Gave me experimental medicine and stuff. Flew back home in helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. You ever seen his video? He took his mask off and saluted helicopter. And then walked right in the house, killed four more people. I said, “$700.50 in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir?” Some cold stuff, man. Some cold stuff. That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and say, “These is mine’s”, and then just start eating in front of all the homeless. [chewing] “Don’t let hunger dictate your life.” That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that was in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, “Ummm-ummm.”

Herman Cain’s black ass has been dead for two weeks. Where was his secret cerom? That’s your leader. Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man! And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but been a black a longtime, I’ve known this badder.

But if you’re a good white, you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. It’s my plan. It’s called the ‘Kindness Conspiracy’. Just random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years, they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black and they didn’t deserve it. If you’re driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on a corner selling crack, destroying his community, buy him an ice cream. Just buy him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago. Remember how bad that felt? Remember half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them, oh man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest fight through. You have to find a way to live your life. You have to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and goodnight.