Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes
Cara… Zoë Kravitz
Sheila… Aidy Bryant
Dave… Aristotle Athari
Chris… Sarah Sherman
[Starts with show intro]Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.
[Cut to the show set]Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.
Cara: Hi, there.
Sheila: Happy to be here.
Dave: Whooo!
Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.
Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.
Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.
Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.
Jean: You got it. Five points.
Dave: I see “Cat”.
Jean: Great, three points.
Cara: I see “Momhole”.
[Wrong answer buzzer]Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.
Dave: Dog.
Jean: Nice three points for Dave.
Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.
Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.
Cara: Why not?
Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.
Cara: But I want to connect them.
Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.
Cara: Momhole.
Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.
Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.
Jean: Why are there two?
Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.
Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.
Jean: That’s great, five points.
Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.
Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…
Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..
Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.
Jean: Great, that’s seven points.
Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?
Jean: Yes.
Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.
Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.
Cara: Am I allowed to guess?
Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.
Cara: No problem. Himhole.
Jean: No.
Cara: Gay4hole?
Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.
Cara: Jacksonhole.
Jean: What?
Cara: Holefoods.
Jean: Please don’t.
Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.
Jean: Come on!
Cara: And Mmmhole.
Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?
Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.
Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?
Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?
Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.
Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…
Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.
Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.
Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.
Cara: Okay, Momporn.
Jean: No.
Cara: What is your problem with mom?
Jean: Do you see anything else?
Sheila: Friend.
Dave: Beach.
Cara: Scissoring.
Sheila: Cloud.
Dave: Water.
Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.
Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.
[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]Sheila: I see one.
Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?
Jean: Yeah, just say it.
Sheila: Bbb.
Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.