Jen Fonger-Ghang… Heidi Gardner

Minky Carmichael… Martin Short

Sarah Sherman

Punkie Johnson

Jada… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro of ‘How You Treat Your Man’ with Minky Carmichael]
[Cut to Jen in show set]

Jen: Ladies, let’s give it up for the King of the 90s, a man that keeps us in line and looking fine, Minky Carmichael.

[Minky walks in]

Minky: Wow. I’m feeling good. I am feeling good. Welcome to How To Treat your man with me Minkee Carmichael. The show to give advice to other fine females in there looking to land a man and keep his ass. As always, I’m joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fonger-Ghang.

Jen: I love Minky and I hate foolish women. I started drinking early.

Minky: Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Who don’t know a damn thing about how to treat their man. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Minky: Now, that’s how it is.

Jen: This is my church and Minky is my Priest.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Now, who’s got a question for me?

[The women in the audience are raising their hands]

Minky: Okay, white girl with a little head.

Sarah: Oh, me? Oh, okay. Well, hi Minky. So, after a first day, I didn’t sleep with the guy, right? Because I didn’t want to seem loose. But now he’s not calling me back. What did I do wrong?

Minky: Hmm. Let me consult with my relationship calculator. You went on a date. You didn’t put out. And that equals – Of course he’s not calling back. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

And that’s just how it is.

Sarah: Oh, come on, Minky.

Jen: He said what he said. Shut up.

Minky: Next question.

Ego: Minky, hi. Here’s what’s up. I was on a date and found porno in this guy’s VCR. Is that a red flag? What should I do?

Minky: Girl The only VCR I care about is a very cool rack. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Jen: And that’s what? Just how it is.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Next.

Punkie: Hi, Mickey. Hi, um, here’s my problem. So I was flirting with this guy. And he gave me his number. But I never called him. Does that make me a bad person?

Minky: Uh, yep. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

I’ve never felt better my life. Next.

Jada: Yes. Hi everyone. I’m Jada.

Minky: No, no, no.

Jada: And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael.

Minky: Can we cut her mic?

Jada: Okay. And I gotta say, he had the worst penis I’ve ever seen.

Minky: Yeah, cut her mic now.

Jada: Now, I’m not trying to be mean but it looks like an espresso cup.

Minky: Man, she’s crazy. That is not 100% True. Anyone else have a question?

Ego: Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky’s thing?

Jada: Okay, well the length was okay. Just felt like there was nothing inside.

Sarah: What do you mean by that?

Jada: Okay, like at certain point, he asked me “Do you want me to close it?”

Punkie: Oh, hold up? What was there to close?

Jada: I don’t know. But I would definitely describe it as open, like hollow, like a piece of penne.

Jen: Hey, Minky, sounds like you’re packing the worm from Dune.

Minky: You know what? Let me consult my bull crap detecting computer.

Jada: Hold up, Minky, because looks like I’m getting the fax. Oh my god, it’s from the penis hospital. They say you need an emergency appointment. Slam it.

[music playing]

Minky: No, I’m the one who slams it. You don’t slam it.

Jen: Oh, I’m hearing from the producers that we are out of time and canceled. Which means I gotta go back and finish high school. Bye y’all.