Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe
Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant
Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon
Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]
Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.
Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.
Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.
Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.
Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.
Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.
Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.
Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.
Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.
Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.
Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?
Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.
Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.
Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.
Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.
Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.
Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.
Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.
Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.
Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.
Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.
Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.
Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.
Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.
Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.
Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?
Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.
Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?
Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.
Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?
Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.
Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.
Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.
Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.
Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.
Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.
Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.
Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.
Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.
Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.
Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?
Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.
Jane Bosworth: Thank you.
Miriam Jeans: Well?
Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.
Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.
Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.
Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.[cheers and applause]
Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!
Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.