Mom… Heidi Gardner
Daughter… Punkie Johnson
Dad… Kenan Thompson
Son… Myles Teller
William… Bowen Yang
[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]
Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.
Mom: Honey, everything okay?
[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]
Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch
All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!
Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.
Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.
Mom: Amen.
Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?
Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.
Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?
Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.
Mom: Oh my god. What?
Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.
Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.
Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.
Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.
Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.
Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.
Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,
Mom: Keith, relax.
Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!
Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.
Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?
Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?
Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.
Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.
Dad: You are not my son.
Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.
Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.
Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?
Son: But what about what I want?
Mom: Well, what is it?
Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.
Dad: We danced at the beginning.
Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?
Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.
Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?
[William walks in]
William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.
Daughter: That’s our kitchen.
William: Then you have my apologies.
Dad: Who is this?
Son: I met him in dance class.
Dad: What?
William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.
Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.
Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.
Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.
William: Hey, don’t be.
[They start doing the TikTok dances]
Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.
Mom: Honey, you’re crying.
Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!