Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis
Lonnie… Cecily Strong
Josh… Mikey Day
Father… Kyle Mooney
Mother… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with the show intro]Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.
[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?
Josh: Good.
Lonnie: Bad.
[They both are acting awkward]Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?
Lonnie: Balls.
Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.
Lonnie: Sorry.
Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.
Josh: Okay.
Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?
Lonnie: A ball.
Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…
Lonnie: Hollywood?
Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.
Josh: Oh. Phoenix?
Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.
Josh: Oh, Tempi?
Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?
Josh: Nothing, I’m good.
Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?
Josh: Um, black lives?
Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.
Lonnie: All lives?
Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.
Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?
Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.
Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.
Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.
Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.
Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.
Lonnie: Oh, more balls.
Josh: Yeah.
Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…
Josh: In love?
Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…
Lonnie: It like it’s hot?
Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…
Josh: That subscribe button?
Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.
[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?Father: I’m Josh’s father.
Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.
Father: I’m sorry.
Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?
Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.
Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.