Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.