Tag: Scene

Jail Scene

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Willie… Woody Harrelson

Carla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Woody’s wife visiting him in jail]

Officer: All right. 6117, you got five minutes.

Willy: Oh, Carla Jean. God, so good to see your face.

Carla: I missed you too, Willie.

Willy: Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I’ve changed.

Carla: I hope so. I’m tired of coming here Willie. I really am.

Willy: I know honey. I know. Listen, when I get out of here I’m gonna do you right. I mean, you hear me? I am I’m gonna give you the life you’ve always deserved. Mark my words. I’m gonna be out of here soon.

Ego: No, he’s not.

Willy: What was that?

Ego: Hey, you say whatever you want. That’s your conversation.

Willy: Listen here Carla Jean, you remember that house on Cherry Lane, the one with the white picket fence? When I get out of here, I’m gonna buy us that house.

Ego: Whooo! In today’s market? That is funny.

Willy: I’m sorry it’s a problem?

Ego: Hey, it seems to me like you want one. Leave me out of this. All y’all get on my damn nerves. This man say he gonna buy her house. Buy a house?

Willy: You know, Carla Jean, prison’s actually been good for me.

Ego: No he lying.

Willy: I’ve been reading a lot.

Ego: Say he gonna buy a house.

Willy: I’m actually trying to get my GED.

Ego: Wanna buy a full damn house? Not even a duplex, but a house?

Willy: I think I’m-

Ego: I can’t buy a house and I’m not even in jail. I rent one bedroom apartment and got a damn roommate, who’s always using my soap. Seeing her hair on my bar soap and not from her head either. You want to buy a house? I had a house, ex boyfriend caught it on fire.

Willy: Will you please? I’m trying to talk to my wife.

Ego: That’s your wife. You’re still married?

Carla: Listen baby, you’re the only man for me and no matter how long you’re in here, whether it’s a day or 1000 years I will always wait for you.

Kenan: No, she not.

Carla: Sorry, can you not?

Kenan: Hey, I’m not here. I’m just wallpaper, okay? But she sure had some tall brother drop her off. He out there waiting in the car. AC cranked all the way up. Probably wasting all the damn gas. Listening to Club Random, you know, Bill Maher’s podcast. Yeah, but she talking about she gonna wait for him. Yeah, okay.

Carla: You know, little Willie Jr. is growing up so fast, he got the cutest smile. In fact, he looks just like you.

Kenan: No, he don’t.

Carla: Come on.

Kenan: Wallpaper, okay? Little boy got red hair, though. I mean, you ain’t got no rain. He ain’t got no red hair. tall brother in the car got some red hair though. Man, somebody’s math ain’t mathing. That boy look like Chucky. Yeah, you know Chucky from the Rugrats? Not knife Chucky. Yeah, coming to think of it, knife Chucky got red hair too. every damn Chucky got red hair. Wow, name me one Chucky that ain’t got red hair. Probably Chucky Cheese. Yeah, the Chucky Cheese. What’s he? A rat with a hat? Underneath that, there’s probably some red hair.

Carla: Oh my god, I really can’t with you over my shoulder.

Kenan: Ma’am. I am not your problem. Okay? What I am is wallpaper. El Papel of the wall.

Willie: Look, Carla Jean.

Ego: Ay, hold up, hold up. Ay, Carla Jean, give Dudsy the phone.

Kenan: What, you want to talk to me?

Ego: Yeah, Dudsy, Dudsy.

Kenan: Yes, one second.

Ego: This fool over her talking about he gonna buy her house.

Willie: It’s called manifest.

Ego: Why are you eavesdropping?

Kenan: Well, this lady over here talking about she going wait for him because she thinks he getting that house. She ain’t waiting for nobody. She got a tall red haired Chucky out there-

Ego: House? How’s he gonna buy a house? He has no money. He can’t even afford a candy bar. [crosstalk]

Kenan and Ego: You know what I should do? Go in on a time share.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m saying.

Carla: Yeah, okay. I guess I’m just gonna go.

Willie: I’ll just head back to the jail.

Kenan: Go ahead, man.

[crosstalk]

Heaven Scene

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, folks, it’s me, Dave, and I’m here to remind all the kids watching that smoking is not cool. Smokers are. Anyway, I wanted to give you guys a heads up that I’m not gonna be in this next sketch ’cause I’m getting a little older and I need a little rest. But the sketch is really fun, and I wanted you guys to see it. So I asked a cast member to do my part, and ’cause the show is a team sport, my man stepped up. So I hope you enjoy this.

[Angelic music playing] [Devon is walking in heaven]

Devon: Hello? Whoa, what is this place? Am I dead?

Kenan; Indeed you are, young man.

Devon: [Exhales sharply] So this is heaven?

Ego: In a sense.

Devon: What does that mean? Where am I?

[Mikey walks in. He’s white, wearing while suit and a hat with leopard fur jacket. He’s replacing Dave Chappelle in this sketch.]

Mikey: You in Black heaven, biatch.

[Intro of “Black Heaven” playing]

Devon: Whoa, so there’s a different heaven for Black people?

Mikey: Yeah, young’un. Where you think you is?

Devon: Wait, so everybody up in here is Black?

Ego: That’s right. A whole afterlife of beautiful, Black kings and queens.

Mikey: Thought e’ry now and then, some…I can’t say that line.

Kenan: Come on, man. Just say it.

Mikey: E’ry now and then, some white, chicken head hoes cluck their way through the gate looking for some chocolate sauce.

Kenan: And we happy to oblige. [chuckle] Ain’t that right? Sorry.

Devon: Damn, I think I’m gonna like it here, fam.

Ego: ‘Course you will. This is Black heaven, where your Jordans never have a crease.

Kenan: Where your wave’s always 360.

Mikey: I shouldn’t be doing this sketch. Dave’s not even resting. He’s right there.

[Dave is looking at Mikey Day laughing]

Dave Chappelle: You’re killing it, Mikey. Keep going.

Ego: Anyway, king, in Black heaven, all the women are baddies, as I know you can see.

Mikey: Preach. Every shawty, every shawty up here got one of them TSA booties.

Kenan: Yeah, around here, the asses go up to the top of the pants.

Ego: Oh, and the food is on point.

Devon: There’s food in Black heaven?

Mikey: Of course, blood. And auntie always hold you a plate.

Punkie: Auntie sure does, and in here, the mac and cheese look like this.

Devon: Mm, no disrespect, but I never been a big fan of mac and cheese.

Punkie: Excuse me? I know you’re not talking about my mac and cheese.

Kenan: Uh oh. Titi about to throw hands.

Mikey: Whoa. WorldStar.

Dave Chappelle: [laughing hard] He said “WorldStar.” Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s go.

Punkie: Oh, but you got to trust me, baby, ’cause you gonna love this mac and cheese. On God.

Mikey: And I assume you like Henny. [walks close to Ego]

Ego: Mikey, what are you doing?

Mikey: It says “gesture to Henny.” Isn’t your character Henny?

Ego: Henny is Hennessy, man. It’s right here. [pulls up a bottle of Hennessy]

Kenan: Man, you was on “Wild ‘n Out” Season 1. You ain’t absorbed nothing?

Mikey: I don’t know! I shouldn’t be doing this! I think Dave is just messing with me. He got all his friends with him now. Look.

[Dave is laughing hard at Mikey with his friends]

Dave Chappelle: Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Go, go, go.

Kenan: Come on, Mikey Man. You a pro.

Mikey: Alright. Anyway, cuzo, you a real one. Now bring it in and get some love, my nnn- No, I’m not saying that! I’m not.

Ego: You’re smart. Smart.

Kenan: Good call. That’s a good call.

Mikey: Anyway…

All: Welcome to Black heaven.

Dave Chappelle: And there you have it. That was so much fun, I forgot to take my rest, so I think I’m gonna sit the next sketch out, but don’t you worry. My man can fill in for me.

Mikey: What?

Dave Chappelle: Oh, you’re gonna love this one. It’s a really deep sketch about the horrors and atrocities on the Underground Railroad, Mikey.

Mikey: No, I cannot do that.

Dave Chappelle: Oh, yes, you can. Stick around, everybody. Let’s go.

Mikey: I cannot. I won’t. I won’t.

Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.