Mom… Heidi Gardner
Father… Kyle Mooney
Girl… Sarah Sherman
Jade… Selena Gomez
Gigi… Aidy Bryant
Dylan… Bowen Yang[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]
Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.
Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.
Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.
Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.
Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.
Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.
Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?
Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.
Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.
Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.
Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?[music playing]
Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.
Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.
Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.
All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.
Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz
Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?
Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.
Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.
Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.
Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.
Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.
Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.
Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.
Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.
Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.
Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.
Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.
Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?
Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?
Dylan: Or is she boy like me?
Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.
Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.
Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?
Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.
Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.
Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.
She: All right, thank you.
Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.
All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family
Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?
Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.
Girl: No, you’re not.
Gigi: We might be later though.
Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?
Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.
All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.