Michael Che
Pauline… Ego Nwodim
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.
[Pauline slides in]Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.
Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.
Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.
Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?
Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.
Michael Che: Pauline!
Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.
Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.
Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.
Michael Che: Oh my god.
Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.
Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?
Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.
Michael Che: Wait, why would I?
Pauline: Because you did this to me.
Michael Che: I did?
Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”
Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.
Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.
Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.
Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.